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· Registered
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Two mighty warriors line up for battle. One in the right lane and one in the left.
As they begin to spin there tires, smoke billows from the fender wells engulfing
the sky with clouds of pure white smoke. As the smoke clears the two warriors
inch slowly into position, for what is going to be a close race to the end of the
quarter mile blacktop that faces them. The crowd is roaring with anticipation of
what they all know is going to be the best race of the night. As the two warriors
inch closer and closer to the line, they rev there mighty engines like two animals
showing there opponent that neither is going to back down. One of the mighty
warriors purges his nitrous like an animal snorting, showing he is not afraid and
will not back down. The other warrior revs his engine even higher showing he is
not afraid and will not back down.

As both the mighty warriors inch into the beams, the first set of glowing amber
lights comes on, they are both pre-staged and not backing down. They inch ahead
even more to set off the second set of glowing amber lights, now both warriors are
staged and ready to dual it out to the end of the quarter mile blacktop. As the lights
come down both warriors are ready, and both take off as the light turns bright green.
The mighty warriors are off, both pulling there front wheels off the ground, like a
mighty steed raring up in anger. The mighty warriors are neck and neck as there
front wheels hit the ground, the crowd is going wild. As they battle there way down
the blacktop, both warriors are shifting gears like there lives depend on it. They are
still neck and neck half way down the blacktop, neither one giving an inch to the other.
As the finish line approaches the warriors are giving it all they have, knowing that this
race is the last. Yes, this race is the last race these warriors will ever race, for it is time
to pass the torch to the next mighty warriors. As the two mighty warriors approach the
finish line they are still neck and neck, and they both know there will be no winner here
today, as both warriors cross the finish line, it is over, the battle is a draw. The crowd
is roaring and clapping for the mighty warriors, as they have all just witnessed the best
race they have ever seen.
 

· Behind Blue Eyes..
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6,686 Posts
good story, but why didnt that one warrior (lol) hit the nos?
 

· Registered
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4,262 Posts
Was that about the 13th WARRIOR
 

· Behind Blue Eyes..
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6,686 Posts
dont listen to them bro...it is a good story but did include warrior alot and left ya hanging on the guy with the Nos
 

· None
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10,576 Posts
Honestly? It needs a lot of work. How old are ya?

In the second paragraph, you had a total of 11 sentences. Out of those 11, you said 'warrior' 12 times. Once in 8 sentences and twice in two. One was thankfully devoid of the description of warrior.

The first sentence of a paragraph typically sets the who, what, and where. The rest of the paragraph just fleshes it out a bit so you don't have to become repetitive.

There, Their, and They're are seperate words with seperate meanings...use the right one.


"Two mighty warriors line up for battle. One in the right lane and one in the left."

Change it to:
"Two mighty warriors line up side by side for battle."

Look for ways to streamline your story while playing with the tempo. As the race progresses you want the readers heartbeat to quicken, not stumble.

Don't get discouraged, that's why they call them Rough Drafts
 

· ¯\(º_o)/¯
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25,199 Posts

· Behind Blue Eyes..
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6,686 Posts
Chris98GT said:
Honestly? It needs a lot of work. How old are ya?

In the second paragraph, you had a total of 11 sentences. Out of those 11, you said 'warrior' 12 times. Once in 8 sentences and twice in two. One was thankfully devoid of the description of warrior.

The first sentence of a paragraph typically sets the who, what, and where. The rest of the paragraph just fleshes it out a bit so you don't have to become repetitive.

There, Their, and They're are seperate words with seperate meanings...use the right one.


"Two mighty warriors line up for battle. One in the right lane and one in the left."

Change it to:
"Two mighty warriors line up side by side for battle."

Look for ways to streamline your story while playing with the tempo. As the race progresses you want the readers heartbeat to quicken, not stumble.

Don't get discouraged, that's why they call them Rough Drafts

yeap good analyzation (sp?) chris
 

· Premium Member
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2,501 Posts
91Coupe said:
Thesaurus.
I agree... try using other words besides smoke. Any word that is repeated over and over in a story is supposed to mean something. Smoke makes it where I can't see and when I think of smoke, I think of something burning or smelling.

I agree with Chris though on the first line. If you're trying to make them like warriors... make them warriors.

"Two mighty warriors stand side by side for battle."
 

· 98 SVT Cobra
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5,088 Posts
Chris98GT said:
Honestly? It needs a lot of work. How old are ya?

In the second paragraph, you had a total of 11 sentences. Out of those 11, you said 'warrior' 12 times. Once in 8 sentences and twice in two. One was thankfully devoid of the description of warrior.

The first sentence of a paragraph typically sets the who, what, and where. The rest of the paragraph just fleshes it out a bit so you don't have to become repetitive.

There, Their, and They're are seperate words with seperate meanings...use the right one.


"Two mighty warriors line up for battle. One in the right lane and one in the left."

Change it to:
"Two mighty warriors line up side by side for battle."

Look for ways to streamline your story while playing with the tempo. As the race progresses you want the readers heartbeat to quicken, not stumble.

Don't get discouraged, that's why they call them Rough Drafts
Good way to sum it up Chris. The first thing that hit me was the overusage of "warrior". Second was one guy "purging NOS" yet he doesn't use it, a little odd dont you think? It has the potential of being a good little story but if you make some of the changes that Chris mentioned, you may have something there.
 

· Premium Member
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2,501 Posts
oh yea...

there = as in look over "there." a direction
their = possesive pronoun... renames the subject's object. I looked at their car. I saw their reaction.
they're = a contraction of the two words, they and are. They're doing very well.

EDIT: The last two lines of the first paragraph need to be rewritten or dropped. It's entirely too repetitive.

Sorry guys, I taught English for 3 years and have a minor in English Lit.

I'll shut up now.
 

· Registered
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628 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Thank you very much for the criticism, That is what I wanted.
I am the type of person that can take it well without being upset about it. I never was a very good at the propers of grammar and all that, I guess thats why when I was in school I didnt do so hot in english lol thanks again for the criticism guys.
 
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