Bears Unveil New-Look-Like-Shit Offense
July 31, 2008 | | Onion Sports
BOURBONNAIS, IL—The Chicago Bears put on a display of inaccurate passing, sluggish route running, and careless ball-handling Wednesday as the team exhibited their new-look-like-shit offense to fans and media attending training camp to view a full-squad practice. "We finally have the personnel to implement a game plan of high-percentage incomplete passes, completed passes of four yards or less, and a rushing attack that lets us lose control of the game clock with complex plays that take forever to develop and generate negative yardage," offensive coordinator Ron Turner said, explaining why the Bears abandoned the "West-Coast-My-Fat-Ass" offense they ran last year. "I'm confident that both Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton possess the ability to overthrow a receiver on a deep fly pattern or find an open defender and deliver the ball with laser-like precision, so we'll be switching between them often and at random intervals to avoid either one getting into a rhythm or developing any confidence." According to Turner, the offense is starting to malfunction as a cohesive unit and has shown much more consistency at blowing assignments, missing blocks, and fumbling snaps.