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post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 02:14 AM Thread Starter
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Exclamation Barry Bonds Busted!

Barry Bonds Took Steroids, Reports Everyone Who Has Ever Watched Baseball



March 9, 2006 | Onion Sports

SAN FRANCISCO—With the publication of a book detailing steroid use by San Francisco Giants superstar Barry Bonds, two San Francisco Chronicle reporters have corroborated the claims of Bonds' steroid abuse made by every single person who has watched or even loosely followed the game of baseball over the past five years.

In Game Of Shadows, an excerpt of which appeared in Sports Illustrated Wednesday, authors Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams claim that more than a dozen people close to Bonds had either been directly informed that Bonds was using banned substances or had in fact seen him taking the drugs with their own eyes. In addition to those witnesses, nearly 250 million other individuals nationwide had instantly realized that Bonds was using banned substances after observing his transformation from lanky speedster to hulking behemoth with their own eyes.

According to hundreds of thousands of reports coming out of every city in the U.S., Bonds' steroid use has been widely reported and well-documented for years, with sports columnists, bloggers, people attending baseball games, memorabilia collectors, major ballpark popcorn and peanut vendors, groundskeepers, roommates, significant others, fathers-in-law, next-door neighbors, fellow fitness club members, bartenders, mailmen, coworkers, teachers, doormen, parking-lot attendants, fellow elevator passengers, Home Depot clerks, servicemen and women serving in Iraq, former baseball players, Congressmen, second-tier stand-up comics, Sports Illustrated's Rick Reilly, and random passersby all having stated at some point in the last five years that Bonds was obviously taking some sort of performance-enhancing drugs.

Many of those eyewitnesses came forward following Wednesday's revelation with their own accounts of Bonds' seven-year history of steroid use.

"I originally heard that Barry Bonds was on steroids during a Giants game in 2001, when my buddy Phil, who was on the couch next to me, said, 'Dude, that Barry Bonds guy is definitely on steroids,'" said Chicago resident Mitch Oliveras. "After 10 seconds of careful observation, and performing a brief comparison of Bonds' present neck width with that on Phil's old 1986 Bonds rookie card, I was convinced."

"I can see how some people might be shocked about Bonds' doping, but this has been an open secret for years among the people in my industry," said air-conditioner repairman Mike Damus. "I'm sure it's an even more widely known fact in baseball."

"Everyone in our front office has known about Bonds since the 2001 season," said San Francisco-area accounts-receivable secretary Mindy Harris of McCullers and Associates, Ltd. "People in our ninth-floor office, too, and all seven branch offices. None of us were sure exactly which kind of steroids he was on, but we were pretty sure it was the kind that causes you to gain 30 pounds of muscle in one offseason, get injured more easily, become slow-footed, shave your head to conceal your thinning hair, lash out at the media and fans, engage in violent and abrupt mood swings, grow taut tree-trunk-like neck muscles, expand your hatband by six inches, and hit 73 home runs in a single season."

"Come to think of it, we're all fairly certain he's on all of them," Harris added.

"My 6-year-old son and I bonded over our mutual agreement that Bonds was obviously juicing up," San Francisco-area construction worker Tom Frankel said. "I hope that, one day, little Davey will have kids of his own, and that they will be able to easily glean the knowledge that Bonds was a cheater just by looking at the remarkable shift in his year-by-year statistics on his Hall of Fame plaque."

In light of the most recent accusations, which echo what any idiot with a pair of eyes and even the most fundamental knowledge of how the human body works has said in recent years, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig issued a statement Wednesday to address the issue.

"It is unfair to judge Mr. Bonds based solely on the fact that everyone says he has taken some sort of performance-enhancing drug for the past five years," Selig said. "I myself think Bonds has been taking steroids—I'm not blind, after all—but nothing, even an admission by Bonds himself, can conclusively prove that he took steroids, as he has not tested positively in an MLB-sanctioned drug test. Unless that is somehow made to happen, we must all accept his recent unfathomable accomplishments as one of the truly exciting and continuing storylines of this great sport."

When reached for comment, Bonds insisted that he "[doesn't] have time to deal with all these charges."

"I'm not going to respond to these 228 million allegations," Bonds said. "I don't care what every last person in the entire world thinks. As long as my fans believe me, that's the most important thing."

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/46188


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post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 02:28 AM
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Still an allegation until tested positive.

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post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 02:49 AM Thread Starter
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I guess the humor of it escaped you.


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post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 11:23 AM
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Guilty!!!

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post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 11:47 AM
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I was discussing this on another board. Unless he tests positive or someone has a photographic proof of him with a needle in his ass, he's innocent.

The only thing these people have to stand on is circumstantial evidence and testimony from convicted felons. Not much of a leg(s) to stand on.
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post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 12:30 PM
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Ive seen a 160 lbs man hit the ball over the wall just as hard and just as many times as Bonds........but no one accuses that man of steroid use. WHY?....because hes only 160 lbs?
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post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 12:38 PM
 
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post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 02:22 PM
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Oh come on. Nobodies head gets bigger in their late 30's. I can't believe anyone would defend that clown. You don't go from 30 homeruns to 70 overnight without some performance enhancers.
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post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 02:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hopper
Ive seen a 160 lbs man hit the ball over the wall just as hard and just as many times as Bonds........but no one accuses that man of steroid use. WHY?....because hes only 160 lbs?
because he didn't go from 120lbs to 160lbs of solid mass in his late 30s.
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post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 02:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by slow99
because he didn't go from 120lbs to 160lbs of solid mass in his late 30s.


Gotcha......Im not defending him, just cant figure out why certain guys can get singled out for drug use.
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post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 02:55 PM
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160 lb man hitting it just as hard/far as Barry Bonds? Who is this man you speak of and what team does he play for?
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post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 03:27 PM
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Hes not an MLB player yet but nonetheless....there are plenty of baddas ballers that dont play MLB.
May not have quite the stats,5/11 180 lbs 8 homers in the baseball classic. I like watching him bat.

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click the link for a video.


http://www.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/mlb/wb...w&isFree=true&

Last edited by hopper; 03-14-2006 at 03:39 PM.
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post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 03:52 PM
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8? you mean 5? And I'm not saying that smaller guys can't hit home runs, but I mean really....Barry Bonds blasts the crap out of them. And hey, what happened to the 160 lb man?
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post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 04:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by def1eppard
8? you mean 5? And I'm not saying that smaller guys can't hit home runs, but I mean really....Barry Bonds blasts the crap out of them. And hey, what happened to the 160 lb man?


Ya 5 sorry.....LOL.....and I was 20 lbs off, cut me some slack.

Last edited by hopper; 03-14-2006 at 04:18 PM.
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post #15 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 04:21 PM
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LMAO! I always heard don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see, but damn, I wonder if he gets headaches from that swollen head of his...

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post #16 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 06:29 PM
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Please don't compare that guy to someone who is a few runs short of Babe Ruth. He hasn't faced 20 years of MLB pitchers. I'm not a Bonds fan, but give the man his due...If the guy on the video wasn't Korean, you still wouldn't have heard of him.

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post #17 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 06:33 PM
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The one major thing I have against Bonds more than anything, was about his statement he made basically saying everyone would stop talking and forget about Babe Ruth when the record was broken. What an arrogant SOB.
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post #18 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 06:39 PM
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The one major thing I have against Bonds more than anything, was about his statement he made basically saying everyone would stop talking and forget about Babe Ruth when the record was broken. What an arrogant SOB.
He is indeed an arrogant asshole. That's the very reason people won't forget the Babe. Ty Cobb will long be remembered for being a prick, and not the guy that Pete Rose passed over to have the most hits in baseball. Babe Ruth meant a hell of a lot more to the baseball world, than Bonds ever will. The Yankee's built an entire stadium for the fucker! Yankee Stadium...AKA "the house that Ruth built".

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post #19 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 06:47 PM
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Willie Mays and Hank Aaron were little guys compared to most people at 180 pounds.

Barry's a juicer but so was Sosa, McGwire, Palmeiro, like or not Pudge, Juan Gonzales, Canseco (duh), Gary Sheffield and Jason Giambi.

Babe Ruth was a baseball god, he'll never be forgotten. The man used a 42 ounce bat, was usually drunk and banging hookers all night before the games and still hit over 700 career homeruns. Not bad for a guy that also pitched 13 scoreless innings in the world series one year.

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post #20 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-14-2006, 07:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BP
Willie Mays and Hank Aaron were little guys compared to most people at 180 pounds.

Barry's a juicer but so was Sosa, McGwire, Palmeiro, like or not Pudge, Juan Gonzales, Canseco (duh), Gary Sheffield and Jason Giambi.

Babe Ruth was a baseball god, he'll never be forgotten. The man used a 42 ounce bat, was usually drunk and banging hookers all night before the games and still hit over 700 career homeruns. Not bad for a guy that also pitched 13 scoreless innings in the world series one year.
Not to mention hitting .342... LIFETIME!

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post #21 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-16-2006, 08:46 PM
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Barry Bonds is a egomaniac and a steriod junky to boot. Yes the others did it too but Bonds is chasing history and will taint the homerun record.

Nobody magically goes from a good career 30 homerun hitter to 60-70 homers overnite...nobody! Fuck his cheating ass.

Mike
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post #22 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-16-2006, 10:35 PM
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I still don't understand why that piece of crap won't be in videogames.

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post #23 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-16-2006, 11:11 PM
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Who doesn't really give a fuck and is tired of hearing about severely overpaid athletes and their narcotics usage?????

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post #24 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-17-2006, 12:05 AM
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Screw steroids, gimme some greenies, d00d.
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