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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 09-20-2010, 03:23 PM Thread Starter
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Finally, Congress Does Some Good!

Congress Appropriates $3.17 To Rent 'Tango & Cash'
SEPTEMBER 18, 2010 | ISSUE 46•37

WASHINGTON—After weeks of debates, concessions, and committee hearings, the U.S. Senate finally passed legislation Tuesday to rent the 1989 action-comedy Tango & Cash.

The bill, known as H.R. 5806, or the Kagen-Delahunt Tango & Cash Rental Act, allocated $3, plus a further 17 cents for local sales tax, to rent a VHS tape of the Sylvester Stallone–Kurt Russell buddy vehicle from the Capitol Video off Dupont Circle.

"This important bill was a long time coming," sponsoring representative Steve Kagen (D-WI) said to reporters after the vote. "I salute my Republican colleagues for displaying a spirit of compromise and for doing their part to help Congress procure the slam-bang, rip-roaringly funny antics of heroic LAPD narcotics detectives Ray Tango and Gabriel Cash, two good cops looking to take their revenge on villainous drug lord Yves Perret, deliciously portrayed by the late, great Jack Palance."

"No more stalling," Kagen added. "The time to rent this film is now."

The bill was first introduced to the House on Aug. 2 by Kagen and Rep. Bill Delahunt (D-MA), who proposed that the film was an entertaining and sorely underrated blend of white-knuckle thrills and playful buddy humor that has almost certainly held up over the years.

Other points presented in favor of the bill included the film's stylish opening sequence, which cleverly introduces Stallone's straitlaced Tango and Russell's bad boy Cash in an enjoyable pair of character-establishing scenes; the disarming, Odd Couple–esque interplay of the two stars as they vie to become Los Angeles' No. 1 cop; and a young Teri Hatcher's sassy, sultry turn as an exotic dancer who finds herself in hot water.

Proponents of the bill also noted that the scene where they acquire a fully-armored assault vehicle from Cash's personal weapons specialist was awesome.

Many Republicans, however, initially opposed the bill, calling it a grossly unnecessary expenditure of federal funds.

"I would like to go on record as saying that renting the film is wrongheaded and irresponsible since it will almost certainly be airing on TNT at some point in the near future," argued House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), who suggested renting a different movie, such as Big Trouble In Little China, or simply borrowing the Treasury Department's copy of The Last Boy Scout. "Throwing taxpayer dollars at this frankly formulaic and clichéd actioner would amount to a monumental act of waste, pure and simple."

Rep. Cynthia Lummis (R-WY) was among the few Republicans to cross the aisle into pro-Tango territory early in the legislative process, but she reversed her position upon learning she had confused the film with the 1989 Tom Hanks comedy Turner & Hooch.

According to sources on Capitol Hill, Senate Democrats were only able to garner the votes necessary to send the bill to the president's desk after a series of backroom deals. One of the staunchest Republican holdouts, Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), finally put aside his objections to the film when a $37 million rider to overhaul Tennessee's municipal parking garages was attached to the bill, giving it a filibuster-proof 60 votes.

President Obama, who is expected to sign the bill by week's end, applauded its passage as a model of bipartisan cooperation.

"This proves that the system works," the president told reporters at a press briefing. "Despite our ideological differences, Democratic and Republican leaders can find common ground and agree on an important piece of legislation like this without the process becoming, to quote the unstoppable Detective Ray Cash, 'F.U.B.A.R.'"

Congress announced it would be holding a special screening of Tango & Cash this Friday evening at 6:30 p.m. in the House Chamber. Snacks and soft drinks will be provided.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/con...go-cash,18097/


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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 09-20-2010, 03:32 PM
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WTF??? over

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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 09-20-2010, 03:39 PM
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 09-20-2010, 03:45 PM
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The Onion, folks....

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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 09-20-2010, 03:47 PM
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Lol!

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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 09-20-2010, 03:59 PM
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That is some awesome writing!
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 09-20-2010, 04:00 PM
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Lol at the $37 million rider to get the bill to pass. This could almost be a true story.

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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 09-20-2010, 04:40 PM
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That's some good shyte!
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 09-20-2010, 10:00 PM
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I was really hoping this thread was about group suicide.

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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 09-21-2010, 11:22 AM
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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 09-21-2010, 01:14 PM
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ahhh, the greatness of the Onion. I love it.

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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 09-21-2010, 01:15 PM
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ahhh, the greatness of the Onion. I love it.
The movie sucked though.
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 09-21-2010, 01:23 PM
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 09-21-2010, 01:36 PM
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Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs

HONOLULU–

In an announcement with grave implications for the primacy of the species of man, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins.

"I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'Holy fuck,'" said Oceanographic Institute director Dr. James Aoki, noting that the dolphin has a cranial capacity 40 percent greater than that of humans. "That's it for us monkeys."

Aoki strongly urged humans, especially those living near the sea, to learn to communicate using a system of clicks and whistles in a frequency range of 4 to 150 kHz. He also encouraged humans to "start practicing their echolocation as soon as possible."

Delphinologists have reported more than 7,000 cases of spontaneous opposable-digit manifestation in the past two weeks alone, with "thumbs" observed on the bottle-nosed dolphin, the Atlantic humpback dolphin, and even the rare Ganges River dolphin.

"It appears to be species-wide," said dolphin specialist Clifford Brees of the Kewalo Basin Marine Mammal Laboratory, speaking from the shark cage he welded shut around himself late Monday. "And it may be even worse: We haven't exactly been eager to check for thumbs on other marine mammals belonging to the order of cetaceans, such as the killer whale. Oh, Christ, we're really in the soup now."

Thus far, all the opposable digits encountered appear to be fully functional, making it possible for dolphins–believed to be capable of faster and more complex cogitation than man–to manipulate objects, fashion tools, and construct rudimentary pulley and lever systems.

A primitive axe crafted out of driftwood and shell that is believed to be the handiwork of dolphins.
"They really seem to be making up for lost time with this thumb thing," said Dr. Jim Kuczaj, a University of California–San Diego biologist who has studied the seasonal behavior of dolphins for more than 30 years. "Last Friday, a crude seaweed-and-shell abacus washed up on the beach near Hilo, Hawaii. The next day, a far more sophisticated abacus, fashioned from some unknown material and capable of calculating equations involving numbers of up to 16 digits, washed up on the same beach. The day after that, the beach was littered with thousands of what turned out to be coral-silicate and kelp-based biomicrocircuitry."

"My God," Kuczaj added. "What are they doing down there?"

It is unknown what precipitated the dolphins' sudden development of opposable thumbs. Some dolphin behaviorists believe that the gentle marine mammal, pushed to the brink by humanity's reckless pollution and exploitation of the sea, tapped into some previously unmined mental powers to spontaneously generate a thumb-like appendage. However, given that 95 percent of the world's dolphin experts have committed suicide since learning of the development, the full story may never be known.

"You must believe, sleek ocean masters, that many of us homo sapiens weep with shame and disgust over the degradation to which our species has subjected our All-Mother, the Great World-Sea," read the suicide note of Dr. Richard Morse, a Brisbane, Australia, delphinologist and regular contributor to Marine Mammal Science. "If you are reading this, I estimate that it is the day we know as August 31, 2000. Please be decent and kind masters to our poor ape-race. Oh, God, I'm so sorry about the tracking collars."

"Scientists once wondered whether dolphins, with their remarkably advanced social and language structures, are actually smarter than we are," said Aoki, ushering reporters out of the laboratory he claimed "will either be a smoking hole or a zoo exhibit in the coming Dolphin Age." "Well, we're not wondering anymore."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/dol...le-thumbs,284/
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 09-22-2010, 11:21 AM
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The movie sucked though.
Lies and Fucking slander...that SUV was cool enough to make the movie ok
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post #16 of 16 (permalink) Old 09-22-2010, 11:36 AM Thread Starter
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Lies and Fucking slander...that SUV was cool enough to make the movie ok
Truth. Plus, they mentioned Big Trouble in Little China and The Last Boy Scout


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