News flash from the UK
NEWS-FLASH-From the UK
> December 31, 2009, 5:22 PM
> Press Release: Union Negotiations
> Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
> on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are
> entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management
> have so far failed to produce an agreement.
> The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number
> of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death
> will be reduced in January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the
> cut was the increase in recent years of the number of
> suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the
> The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
> Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement
> that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for
> strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told
> the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in
> the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be
> treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
> Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out
> that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the
> workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was
> awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir.
> "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda
> afford that for members of the management but not 72 for
> the people who do the real work?"
> Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently
> resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We
> sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a
> position to meet their demands. They are not
> accepting the realities of modern-day jihad in a competitive
> Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of
> virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing
> expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd
> hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be
> able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by
> claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics.
> "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with
> the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
> Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal
> of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright.
> Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide
> bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most
> branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch,
> which has a different union, is likely to continue working.
> However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down
> explosives in order to express solidarity with their
> striking brethren.
> Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and
> the entire Australian continent stated that this would not
> affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas