by David Lyons (pulled off of mailing list)
(sung to the tune of UNEASY RIDER by the Charlie Daniels Band)
I was taking a ride out to Burger King,
Listenin' to that turbo Buick 3.8 sing,
Swiggin' on a Coke and jammin' to some Skynyrd.
Just as I pulled into the parking lot,
I saw a ricer with some chick that was hot,
Revvin' their motor and flippin' me the bird.
They took off goin' the other way,
But there was too much traffic out there to play,
But that didn't stop riceboy from drivin' like a fool.
I could here the ricer buzz as I went around back,
To the drive-up speaker where I ordered a snack.
I pulled around and the teen asked if I thought imports were cool.
I told him, "No I don't think so,
They look fast but they just don't go,
"And I'll stay American, thank you very much."
He got red as a beet and mad as a hornet,
And asked me if I'd like t'bet,
If my sled could keep up with his turboed V-TEC "such-and-such".
I played along and said "This is just a V6,
it's a big ol' slug, but it's got few tricks,
And it'll beat your hamster-powered Honda", I said with a grin.
He called me a chicken and said his car was "phat",
And I didn't bother to tell the dern fool that
I sure as Hell didn't want to waste any gas on him.
He pointed to his car and said he'd be done in a few,
And that he beats Camaros and Mustangs, too.
A big winged Civic with stickers, fart pipe and tach on the dash.
Well I looked it over and I damn near died,
I was laughing so hard that I almost cried.
So I got my chow and said, "See ya later, Flash!"
Just when I thought I'd get a chance to eat,
These four ricers come rollin' in from the street,
With the one I saw earlier and some old dork in a green Focus.
I almost took a bite when the silliest-looking one
Said, "Hey BOY! Drop that burger and let's go run!"
His passenger whispered: "That's a GN - he'll smoke us!"
Now the last thing I wanted was to get into a race
With a bunch of slow-ass ricers just to save some face
'Specially when there were four of them and only one of me.
But they all started mocking and playing their games,
They called me a "puss" and an assortment of names.
So I power-braked it with the shifter in "D".
The tires let out a screech that curled their hair,
But before they knew it smoke had filled the air,
"Watch it, punks, 'cause this here's a thoroughly quick vehicle.
You may not know it but this one of those GNs,
It's a turbo-charged six and it always wins.
And if any of you can keep up it'll be a miracle."
Their jaws dropped before I left off the gas,
They knew right away that the black car was fast,
But the one with the chick was dumber than the rest.
"I can take him - my Accord's got a turbo six, too.
Superior technology will overcome". (If only he knew.)
But the chick pointed to my car and said, "I like that one the best".
He was one of them buzz-headed, baggy pants wearin' girly-men fags
He even had a rainbow plate for a front bumper tag.
He was full of politically-correct anti-American BS
And anything you said really got 'im sore,
If he were old enough he'd've voted for Algore.
His car was clean inside and out but he was a mess.
Typical ricer: all symbolism and no substance,
I looked 'im in the eye and asked if he wanted to "dance".
His friends were there so he answered with "sure".
You could see in his eye the fear of the unknown,
One thing he knew - the Buick was b-b-b-bad to the bone.
His girl said he'd lose and asked, "Can I ride with you, sir?"
I let her in and we all headed to the street,
The ricer knew he was about to get beat,
He went right through the red; he was overcome with fright.
The kid from the drive-thru revved when he pulled up beside me,
It sounded like he should be out wackin' weeds.
At the green and his wheels chirped and he got to see my tail light.
The girl next to me screamed pretty loud,
When I shot off the line leaving that ricer crowd,
She dug her hands into the seat but a smile formed on her face.
And I guess I shoulda gotten her number,
But sometimes you just do something dumber:
I couldn't resist the fun of lettin' the ricers catch me for another
A couple tried a fly-by, but I seen it a-comin'
I hit the gas and and my motor started hummin'
I left the Prelude like he was in reverse.
The others turned off as soon as they could,
I just kept rolling to get out of that 'hood.
And the green Focus got beat even worse.
Later the first ricer caught up and tried a fly-by,
I let 'im get close and showed 'im the power of the Dark Side.
Four, five, six car lengths and going; he really got spanked.
I asked the chick if they'd ever learn,
She said, "Rice is just a fad and now it's their turn."
Good thing I never saw her again; turned out she was a skank.