Texas Driving Rules
** A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people you can cut in front of in line by passing on the right. You lose face if you hit any of the orange construction barrels.
** Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Teaxas driver never uses them. Use of them in Dallas is thought to be illegal.
** Under no circumstances should you leave any distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, causing you to lose points.
** Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
** The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
** Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. They have nothing to lose.
** Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
** Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the traffic jam.
** The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Texas look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Police Radar car parked on the median.
** Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
** Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently do not apply during rush hour.
** Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a true Texas driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
** When driving out of state, try to stay on the road.
** Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even if someone is just changing a tire.
** Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
** State Police cars or ambulances passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need make up a few minutes in your travel time.
** Learn to swerve abruptly. Texas is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to DOT (Department of Transportation), which places potholes in various locations to test drivers' reflexes.
** It is traditional in Texas to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
** Making eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Dallas, where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.
** Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. In Fout Worth you are allowed to stop and then decide which direction to turn.
** Remember that the goal of every Texas driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
** Real Texas female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a tornado in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
** Real Texas male drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra (not their own) at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic during daylight hours.
** Heavy rain, fog, and tornados are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are nature's way of ensuring the economic survival of body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle dealers.