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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 09:43 PM Thread Starter
Painting Your House
 
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Talking Fond This on a Hunting Forum I Frequent

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P. S.... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 09:59 PM
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Lmmfao!!

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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 10:11 PM
Lifer
 
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...

LMGDAO.. I wouldn't have the nads to try that on myself.
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 10:20 PM
Lifer
 
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very funny!
after seeing enough people online, I'd don't think i could hit myself with it
man i hate getting electricuted

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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 10:31 PM
 
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Um, would not read again
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 10:43 PM
Gunga galunga
 
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lol, a cop friend always threatens people that come over with his... Its not funny when he has you marked with the laser sight

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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 10:51 PM
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Repost. Had to. That one's been around for many, many years.
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-23-2009, 10:17 AM
not exclude
 
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I've been trying to get my gf to zap me with the one I bought her. I briefly considered doing it to myself, but then came to the logical conclusion that I probably would not be able to let go of the trigger if it came to that.
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-23-2009, 10:22 AM
GROWED UP WRONG
 
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HOLY SHIT!
I am dying over here....
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-23-2009, 10:26 AM
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i know some one that has zapped themself with one. he said it wasnt that bad on the leg and arm but when he zapped himself in the stomoch he forgot how to breathe. i thought we were gonna have to call 911 for a minute.

good times, good times. oh and he is on the board


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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-23-2009, 10:29 AM
BANNED
 
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lmfao that is awesome. great post
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-23-2009, 10:35 AM
Lifer
 
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LMAO my eyes are watering

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damn it son..i only had a few more days..sunnmamabitchin asshat! alight jaypee ill meet ya and pay ya your 20..fuckstick!
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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-23-2009, 10:41 AM
Lifer
 
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Lol, greatness
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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-23-2009, 11:02 AM
Sure Shot
 
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THF? Very nice.

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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-23-2009, 11:29 AM Thread Starter
Painting Your House
 
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THF? Very nice.
Yes sir!
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post #16 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-23-2009, 11:53 AM
!!!SLLAB YM KCUS
 
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Um, would not read again


Fucking hater. GTFO!!






MILK
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post #17 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-24-2009, 09:52 AM
A+
would read again
 
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i havent laughed that hard in a long time. thank you sir

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post #18 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-25-2009, 03:25 AM
ese mi rey...
 
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lmgdao fukn awesome...

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post #19 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-25-2009, 11:15 PM
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I briefly considered doing it to myself, but then came to the logical conclusion that I probably would not be able to let go of the trigger if it came to that.
Good conclusion imo.


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post #20 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-27-2009, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
Painting Your House
 
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No biggie, but how does a true story get moved to the joke section?
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