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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-11-2009, 04:41 PM Thread Starter
CJ
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Tools Explained

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub from which you are trying to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing a walls integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground, after you have installed your new brake shoes, and trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut perfectly good aluminum sheet metal into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and also for butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used primarily for making hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate those more expensive parts that are immediately adjacent to the object we are actually trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on their contents, such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.

DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also most often, the next tool that you will need.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-11-2009, 05:22 PM
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I've probably been guilty of a few of those at one time or another. LMAO
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-11-2009, 07:20 PM
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LOL @ the dammit tool and how that's the next tool you will inevitably need...
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-11-2009, 09:31 PM
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So many of those are applicable it's not even funny. Though that is damned funny...
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-14-2009, 09:25 PM
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I haven't read that in forever, old but good

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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-14-2009, 11:06 PM
 
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That is some funny s**t.
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