Early Retirment....... - DFWstangs Forums
 
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-13-2008, 01:45 PM Thread Starter
Lifer
 
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Early Retirment.......

Dear employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-13-2008, 01:50 PM
LUCIFER
 
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LMAO, that was good

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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-13-2008, 04:46 PM
Lifer
 
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I laughed...

and im young.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cmarsh93z
Don't Fuck with DFWStangs...the most powerfull gang I have ever been a member of.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-14-2008, 03:18 PM
Time Served
 
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you should work for the government and see just how true those statements are lmao. I'm stuck in Iraq working for them and feel the pain every day
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-15-2008, 11:44 AM
insert something aqui
 
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again this would be funnier if it wasnt true

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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-18-2008, 09:03 PM
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Funny Stuff.

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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-19-2008, 07:48 PM
Lifer
 
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I've been going through some of my companies termination letters, and that joke is eerily similiar lol..
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-19-2008, 10:39 PM
PAN
 
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I'm damned tempted to send that to those that run the company I used to work for...
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