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post #1 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-15-2007, 09:38 PM Thread Starter
 
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servicemen,post up your best military jokes/terms

There are alot of sevicemen,ex-servicemen on this board,and I am sure we all have some interservice rivalry jokes,anagrams,names for each other, etc.

Post them up,lets see what you got.

This is all in fun,so nobody get bent out of shape.

I have been out of the Army for around 10 yrs now,so maybe there are some new jokes/cutdowns I havent heard.




NOGO's = National Guard

Puddle pirates = coast guard

Crackerjack = sailor

Jarheads = marines

Those are just some examples.

Let's have some fun and crack on each other like we would in a bar.
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post #2 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-15-2007, 09:41 PM
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So this squid walks into the head and starts to take a piss at the urinal. There is a jarhead next to him who finishes before him and starts to walk out without washing his hands. The squid speaks up and says, "You know in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands after we take a piss." The jarhead says, "Yeah, well in the Marines they teach us not to piss on our hands..."

classic, but good.
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post #3 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-15-2007, 09:49 PM Thread Starter
 
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I really like this one...



A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and
Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.



One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to
the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to
knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."



The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am
God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out
of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking
him
off the platform. The professor was out cold.




The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other
students were shocked and stunned and sat there, looking on in silence.



The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
Marine, and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you
do that?"



The Marine calmly replied, "God was busy protecting America's
soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like
an ass!............ So, He sent me."
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post #4 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-15-2007, 09:54 PM
 
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One of my favs.

Two airmen were driving across country on leave. They come to a Marine Corps base and decide to visit. They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and taps on it with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him in the head with
the stick. The driver says, Why'd you do that?

The Marine says, You're on a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car, you'll have your ID card ready.

Driver says, I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force, and we didn't know.

The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.

The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, What'd you do that for?

The Marine says, Just making your wishes come true.

The passenger says, Huh?

The Marine says, I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that **** with me!'
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post #5 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-15-2007, 09:55 PM Thread Starter
 
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This isn't a joke but kind of a funny story.

A friend of mine was in the 1st recon and while doing jungle training in Panama,he went to take a shit.

So anyways he found this log and sat on top with his ass hanging over,and while taking a shit,was bitten by a 10 ft Bushmaster.

He couldn't even get to wipe his ass before another marine had to physically carry him to get medical aid,for this snakebite in his ass cheek.shit covered and all.

I know thats really not funny,but when he tells it it's hilarious.

It is a good example of what your brothers will do for you when you need them though.
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post #6 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-15-2007, 09:59 PM Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by usmcluke
One of my favs.

Two airmen were driving across country on leave. They come to a Marine Corps base and decide to visit. They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and taps on it with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him in the head with
the stick. The driver says, Why'd you do that?

The Marine says, You're on a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car, you'll have your ID card ready.

Driver says, I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force, and we didn't know.

The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.

The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, What'd you do that for?

The Marine says, Just making your wishes come true.

The passenger says, Huh?

The Marine says, I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that **** with me!'

That ones funny

A soldier was driving on post when he came to a stop sign.

seeing nothing was coming he slowed to a roll and then took off.

An MP pulls him over shortly thereafter and asks

"why didn't you stop?"

The soldier replied

"I saw nobody was coming ,so I just slowed down a bit"

So the MP gets him out of the jeep

and proceeds to beat the soldier with his nightstick

the soldier starts yelling for him to stop

the MP says

"I don't understand,do you want me to stop or just slow down a bit?!"
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post #7 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-15-2007, 10:03 PM
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Changes to Recruit Training


In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:
Haircuts
Marines: Heads will be shaved.
Army: Stylish flat-top's for all recruits.
Navy: No haircut standard.
Air Force: Complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

Training Hours:
Marines: Reveille at 0500, train until 2000.
Army: Reveille at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy: Get out of bed at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600.
Air Force: Awaken at 1000, breakfast in bed, train from 1100 to 1200, lunch at 1200, train from 1300 to 1400, nap at 1400, awaken from nap at 1500, training ceases at 1500.

Meals:
Marines: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army: One hot meal, 2 MRE's.
Navy: 3 hot meals.
Air Force: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, and Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat.

Leave And Liberty:
Marines: None.
Army: 4 hours a week.
Navy: 2 days a week.
Air Force: For every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

Protocol:
Marines: Will address all officers as "Sir," and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e., Sgt. Smith).
Army: Will address all officers as "Sir," unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sarge."
Navy: Will address all officers as "Skipper," and all enlisted personnel as "Chief."
Air Force: All Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with each other.

Decorations/Awards:
Marines: Medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery only.
Army: Medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.
Navy: Will have ships' engineers make medals for them as desired.
Air Force: Will be issued all medals and badges, as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers anyway.

Camouflage Uniforms:
Marines: Work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
Army: Will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Navy: Will not wear camouflage uniforms, they do not camouflage you on a ship. (Ship Captains will make every effort to attempt to explain this to sailors.)
Air Force: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons and colorful squadron patches all over them.

Career Fields:
Marines: All Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
Army: It doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment anyway.
Navy: Nobody knows. The Navy is still trying figure out what sailors in the ABH, SMC, BNC and BSN rates do anyway.
Air Force: Every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

02-z28
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post #8 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-15-2007, 10:08 PM
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Terms.....


As I was walking down the "P-way" on my way to the "head" I overheard someone telling a "scuttlebutt" as I walked past the "GeeDunk". Supposedly there is a pair of dirty "scivies" (spelling?) stuck to the "bulk head" in
the "forcastle".

Can any non-squid figure that one out?
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post #9 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-15-2007, 11:02 PM Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trblshooter
Terms.....


As I was walking down the "P-way" on my way to the "head" I overheard someone telling a "scuttlebutt" as I walked past the "GeeDunk". Supposedly there is a pair of dirty "scivies" (spelling?) stuck to the "bulk head" in
the "forcastle".

Can any non-squid figure that one out?
lets see,I know head is restroom,scuttlebutt is rumor,skivies is underwear.

Thats the best I can do.

I am guessing P-way is the hall,GeeDunk is sink,bulkhead is toilet,forcastle is I have no idea.
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post #10 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 12:28 AM
 
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Why does the Navy keep Marines onboard their ships?


Because sheep would be too obvious!!
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post #11 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 12:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 11B2V_Mike
Why does the Navy keep Marines onboard their ships?


Because sheep would be too obvious!!
LOL! That actually is a new one, going to have to reapeat that at work.

Why do Sailors march behind Marines in formation?

I'm sure you've heard that one before so I won't say the answer!
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post #12 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 01:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronin6135
Changes to Recruit Training


In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:
Haircuts
Marines: Heads will be shaved.
Army: Stylish flat-top's for all recruits.
Navy: No haircut standard.
Air Force: Complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

Training Hours:
Marines: Reveille at 0500, train until 2000.
Army: Reveille at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy: Get out of bed at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600.
Air Force: Awaken at 1000, breakfast in bed, train from 1100 to 1200, lunch at 1200, train from 1300 to 1400, nap at 1400, awaken from nap at 1500, training ceases at 1500.

Meals:
Marines: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army: One hot meal, 2 MRE's.
Navy: 3 hot meals.
Air Force: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, and Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat.

Leave And Liberty:
Marines: None.
Army: 4 hours a week.
Navy: 2 days a week.
Air Force: For every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

Protocol:
Marines: Will address all officers as "Sir," and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e., Sgt. Smith).
Army: Will address all officers as "Sir," unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sarge."
Navy: Will address all officers as "Skipper," and all enlisted personnel as "Chief."
Air Force: All Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with each other.

Decorations/Awards:
Marines: Medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery only.
Army: Medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.
Navy: Will have ships' engineers make medals for them as desired.
Air Force: Will be issued all medals and badges, as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers anyway.

Camouflage Uniforms:
Marines: Work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
Army: Will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Navy: Will not wear camouflage uniforms, they do not camouflage you on a ship. (Ship Captains will make every effort to attempt to explain this to sailors.)
Air Force: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons and colorful squadron patches all over them.

Career Fields:
Marines: All Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
Army: It doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment anyway.
Navy: Nobody knows. The Navy is still trying figure out what sailors in the ABH, SMC, BNC and BSN rates do anyway.
Air Force: Every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.
hahah ncie my brother's an abh
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post #13 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 01:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sixgun86
lets see,I know head is restroom,scuttlebutt is rumor,skivies is underwear.

Thats the best I can do.

I am guessing P-way is the hall,GeeDunk is sink,bulkhead is toilet,forcastle is I have no idea.
geedunk is junk food
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post #14 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 01:04 AM
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So a marine gets his paycheck one friday. He goes straight to his room, gets his pet snapping turtle, puts it in a bag, and goes to a bar. He goes up to the bartender and tells him to put 5 shots of taquila down. He then takes the turtle out of the bag and puts it on his junk and starts to shake it violenty while downing the shots. After he's through he pokes the turtle in the eyes and it falls back into his bag. He then shouts out to the bar that hellpay anyone 100 dollars if they can do it like he did. Noone says anything...finally a sailor stands up and says " Ill do it, but you can't poke me in the eyes when you're done."
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post #15 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 01:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sixgun86
lets see,I know head is restroom,scuttlebutt is rumor,skivies is underwear.

Thats the best I can do.

I am guessing P-way is the hall,GeeDunk is sink,bulkhead is toilet,forcastle is I have no idea.
Anyone else?

You have some of them right. However, Scuttlebutt can be translated into either a rumor or a water fountain.
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post #16 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 01:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trblshooter
Terms.....


As I was walking down the "P-way" on my way to the "head" I overheard someone telling a "scuttlebutt" as I walked past the "GeeDunk". Supposedly there is a pair of dirty "scivies" (spelling?) stuck to the "bulk head" in
the "forcastle".

Can any non-squid figure that one out?
As I was walking down the passage way on my way to the shitter I overheard somone teller a rumor as I walked past the junkfood. Supposedly theres a pair of shit stained undies stuck to the wall in the very front of the ship.

I was raised in a navy family, plus us jarheads still use those tersm too for the most part
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post #17 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 01:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowLX
hahah ncie my brother's an abh
I'm an AT and I couldn't tell you what an ABH is for certain. I think it's aviation fuel???

I've run into you on a different thread, you must have a special place in your heart for sailors huh?
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post #18 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 01:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trblshooter
I'm an AT and I couldn't tell you what an ABH is for certain. I think it's aviation fuel???

I've run into you on a different thread, you must have a special place in your heart for sailors huh?
aviation boisermate(sp) i thought, I know his ass got knocked down many times when he was a blue shirt
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post #19 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 01:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowLX
aviation boisermate(sp) i thought, I know his ass got knocked down many times when he was a blue shirt
Boatswansmate
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post #20 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 01:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trblshooter
Boatswansmate
Fuck a bunch of that shit

marine corps mos's
Rifleman....machinegunner....cannoneer....simple shit

K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple Stupid
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post #21 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 01:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowLX
Fuck a bunch of that shit

marine corps mos's
Rifleman....machinegunner....cannoneer....simple shit

K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple Stupid
Exactly!!!
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post #22 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 09:53 AM
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I didn't know FUBAR and SNAFU were military terms. I didn't even know snafu stood for until years later.

FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition
SNAFU - Situation Normal, All Fucked Up
BOHICA - Bend Over, Here It Comes Again
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post #23 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 10:06 AM
 
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A saying I have only heard in the Corps is "Fucked up like a football bat".

We had a SgtMajor that would walk around and tell the hairy ass females that if his male Marines had to shave so would his female Marines. He also asked a guy that had a hardcore unibrow. "How many eyebrows do we wear in the Marine Corps?". I almost lost my bearing on that one.
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post #24 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 10:14 AM
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We had a dickhead CO for about 3 months befor he pussed out of the corps for other reasons. But getting to the point we were doing pugil sticks a few months back and some little pfc got his ass handed to him in a fight....no big deal laugh at him whatever. No this asshole tries to chew his ass worse than if his Grandmother got fucked up, so we had this big motherfucker named addaway who can only be described as "The Swede" challenge him. That was taht funniest shit Ive ever seen watching a captian go down like that.
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post #25 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 03:42 PM Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by usmcluke
A saying I have only heard in the Corps is "Fucked up like a football bat".

We had a SgtMajor that would walk around and tell the hairy ass females that if his male Marines had to shave so would his female Marines. He also asked a guy that had a hardcore unibrow. "How many eyebrows do we wear in the Marine Corps?". I almost lost my bearing on that one.
We used to say

"ate up like a soup sandwich"

Lima Delta ---- LIMP DICK

Bravo Delta ----- BROKE DICK

Charlie Foxtrot ------ CLUSTERFUCK
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post #26 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 08:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by usmcluke
A saying I have only heard in the Corps is "Fucked up like a football bat".
I heard that one on USS MIDWAY in the spring of 1982. The guy that I heard that from referred to cigarette's as "gags", women as "freaks", and a semi-rapid departure as "diddy-bopped on outta there." As in, "I was fucked up like a football bat, trying to bum a gag from this freak when the shore patrol walked in, so I diddy-bopped back to the boat."

A couple of semi-humorous quotes from that tour (non-military types might not get these):

SCPO to AA: "Now that you are back in this shop, you need to show more discipline than you did when you worked in the CPO Berthing."
AA to SCPO: "Does that mean I can't call you Denny, anymore?"

SCPO to PO3: "If you don't change your attitude, I'll have you replacing Walsted down on the mess decks."
PO3 to SCPO: "No Balls." (Coincidently, my second cookie cop tour was unexpectedly cut short.)

Alleged quote from VMFP3 pilot after a barrier landing due to a failed front gear: "Anyone you can walk away from..."

PO2 to New O5: "See what happens when you use too much Brasso on your insignia?"

A bunch of pro USAF humor is at http://www.chairforce.com.
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post #27 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 08:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trblshooter
I'm an AT and I couldn't tell you what an ABH is for certain. I think it's aviation fuel???
ABH = Aviation Boatswain's Mate, Handler.
ABF = Aviation Boatswain's Mate, Fuels, aka Purple Shirts, Grapes.
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post #28 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 08:37 PM
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Why does the Navy have name tapes over their back pockets?

So the Marines know who they're fucking.


That's all I got.
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post #29 of 40 (permalink) Old 04-16-2007, 08:51 PM Thread Starter
 
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What do gays and the marines have in common?

They're both looking for a few good men.
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post #30 of 40 (permalink) Old 05-21-2007, 06:42 PM
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Blowjob Bill, (fmr President Clinton) dies and goes to heaven (just follow along...)As he's waiting in line at Saint Peter's desk, He sees a Marine in dress blues march by noticing that he's wearing Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps chevrons, as Clinton gets to St. Pete's desk he says " I guess that the song is right, the streets of heven are guarded by U.S. Marines,". St. Pete glances around sees the dress blues and says yep, but that's God, even he has dreams.

"Conform to his image" Romans 8:29
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post #31 of 40 (permalink) Old 05-21-2007, 07:01 PM
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True story...

A person in the Air Force is called an Airman.
A group of Airmen are called a Flight.

A person in the Army is called a Soldier.
A group of Soldiers are called a Platoon.

A person in the Navy is called a Seaman.
A group of Seamen is called a what?

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post #32 of 40 (permalink) Old 05-22-2007, 07:57 AM
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If it weren't for the Coast Guard, there wouldn't be any good looking Navy kids...
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post #33 of 40 (permalink) Old 05-23-2007, 06:24 AM
 
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I'm pretty sure FUBAR came from Tango & Cash, not the Marines.

Same thing with FNG.
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post #34 of 40 (permalink) Old 05-23-2007, 08:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by propellerhead
True story...

A person in the Air Force is called an Airman.
A group of Airmen are called a Flight.

A person in the Army is called a Soldier.
A group of Soldiers are called a Platoon.

A person in the Navy is called a Seaman.
A group of Seamen is called a what?
Sperm?

05 Dodge Ram 4x4
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Quote:
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Have someone fuck you in the ass and another take your bike. See which one you hate more.
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post #35 of 40 (permalink) Old 05-23-2007, 09:03 AM
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A wad? A load?

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post #36 of 40 (permalink) Old 05-26-2007, 05:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by propellerhead
True story...

A person in the Air Force is called an Airman.
A group of Airmen are called a Flight.

A person in the Army is called a Soldier.
A group of Soldiers are called a Platoon.

A person in the Navy is called a Seaman.
A group of Seamen is called a what?
A division
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post #37 of 40 (permalink) Old 05-27-2007, 07:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frank
FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition
SNAFU - Situation Normal, All Fucked Up
BOHICA - Bend Over, Here It Comes Again
FUJIMO = Fuck you Jack, I'm movin' on (after getting orders in hand)
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post #38 of 40 (permalink) Old 05-27-2007, 09:18 AM
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you guys forgot the ID10T form, PrickE7.
Box of grid squares, Rotorwash( yes i know there is some real stuff called that)
Keys to the basement on a GP medium tent.

85 SVO 2.7t coming soon
Old 438whp 1/8th??
Older 375whp [email protected]

We will never forget you WILD 42!
Friends I've Lost

Even if you make something dummy-proof, the world makes a better dummy.
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post #39 of 40 (permalink) Old 05-27-2007, 11:11 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Moving to the Big House!
Posts: 1,315
Quote:
Originally Posted by gpamp
I'm pretty sure FUBAR came from Tango & Cash, not the Marines.

Same thing with FNG.
Not even close, that term came to light in WWII, along with SNAFU and a cartoon soldier named Sad Sack. I'll try to find some more info on it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FUBAR
Also run one on Sad Sack if you want....

"Conform to his image" Romans 8:29

Last edited by Wild Stallion; 05-27-2007 at 11:20 AM.
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post #40 of 40 (permalink) Old 05-27-2007, 11:26 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Moving to the Big House!
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Wink

What's the first thing a Woman Marine (BAM) does in the morning?..........
Goes back to her bed.

"Conform to his image" Romans 8:29
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