You may be a drunk if...
I know these kind of jokes get old, but some of these are pretty good!
You’ve flunked the wine-tasting class at the local free university four times this year, but still keep giving it the ol’ college try.
Bouncers have a special headlock named after you.
You’ve never been out of the country, but you frequently visit Twevlepackistan.
“Taking the edge off” usually means waking up on your lawn.
You can judge what time it is by looking at the shelf you’re buying drinks from.
You’ve stepped on your own fingers.
Everyone thinks you’re bilingual.
Your birthday is a holiday in Scotland.
You match your outfit to the liquor you plan on drinking.
You were genuinely excited about Cingular’s “More bars in more places” promise
until you found out they were talking about cell phones.
You once woke up with a new job.
Your menage a trois fantasies include a bartender.
Your streetside recycling company has to bring an extra truck.
The ATF has a You division.
You have to go to court to find out what happened.
Interventions have become so frequent that you just leave the folding chairs
set up in your living room.
Your last Breathalyzer reading was “No Fucking Way.”
Your favorite drinking game is Do A Shot Every Time You Do A Shot.
Your credit history is composed entirely of bar tabs.
Whenever you bend your elbow your mouth snaps open
Your favorite bar is four blocks away — six blocks coming back.
You can tell the difference between a bottle of Jack and a bottle of Jim
by the sound they make hitting the back of your head.
You’ve been cut off during communion.
You measure time by drinks, as in: "Hold on a shot, the movie doesn't start
for another four bourbons."
Your alarm clock is synchronized with the nearest liquor store’s opening time.
After your fifth drink, you’re like Don Juan with the ladies:
They Don Juan nothing to do with you.
Your personal mantra is, “Where there’s a swill, there’s a sway.”
You wear Hawaiian shirts because it’s tougher to see vomit stains on them.
You feel a tinge of pride when someone refers to you as a “shameless alcoholic.”
You can’t recognize your best friend unless he’s leaning against a bar.
With a drink in his hand. Drunk.
You like a splash of coffee in your morning whiskey.
You can blow a .08 BAC from twenty feet away.
You take swim trunks to brewery tours.
You’re kept awake at night by the sound of your liver crying.
You prefer cold showers because the ice in your drink doesn’t melt as fast.
Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
You get so drunk Bud Light starts tasting like beer.