Doing things the lazy way
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Oak Cliff
the real man laws
The Man Commandments:
Thou shall not rent the movie ‘Chocolat.’
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed by his fellow partygoers.
When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BS. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%)
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 15 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional.
Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.
The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whinny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.