If Santa Answered His Mail Hounestly
If Santa answered his mail honestly...
I wood like a cool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer
yer Frend, BiLLy
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send
you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your
older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and
joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who
rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you
some nice Legos instead.
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up
with a Barbie.
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the back door.
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding
in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you bus! y making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Miami, where I spend most
of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly
and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the
craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like
in the song?
Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde? Good luck in whatever
you do. I'm skipping your house.
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE
could I have one?
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Mark, first, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the
boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa