"some more jokes"
Gave up on the daily thing, so I'll just post em as I feel the urge.
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither are hurt. They crawl out of their cars and the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." And the priest said, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
And the rabbi said, "and look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break, surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. And so he handed the bottle to the priest. The priest said he agreed, took a few big swigs, and handed the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi took the bottle, didn't drink at all, put the cap on, and handed it back to the priest. The priest asked, "aren't you going to have any?" And the rabbi replied, "No… I think I'll just wait for the police."
Walking on the beach one day, a young man finds the proverbial lamp washed up on shore. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appears and states quite proudly that he is not your ordinary genie. The man inquires as to what makes this genie so special. To this the genie explains that no matter what the man asks for his three wishes, his mother-in-law will receive twice as much. Although the man did not like his mother-in-law very much he was very excited about getting 3 wishes.
"Well, for my first wish" says the young man "I would like 5 million dollars". POOF! Right in front of him is 5 million bucks. The genie then says "Your mother-in-law has 10 million dollars sitting in front of her right now". This visibly upsets the man but is still quite excited about his second wish "I have always wanted a Rolls Royce, so that's what I want for my second wish". POOF! Of course, in front of him is the most beautiful piece of machinery he has ever laid his eyes upon. "Your mother-in-law has two of those just like it" says the genie. This was too much for the gentleman to handle.
After about a half-an-hour of contemplation he returns to the genie and says "I know exactly what I want for my third wish, I want to be beaten half to death!!"
Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."
"But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we's privates," says Jasper. "You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. "Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
Carlos calls his boss and says, "Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work." The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me some tail. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that." 2 hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why:
The population of Australia 20 million. 9 million are retired. That leaves 11 million. There are 7 million in school, which leaves 4 million to do the work. Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government, leaving 2 million to do the work. 0.5 Million are in the armed forces preoccupied with doing what ever little Johnny has being told to do. Which leaves 1.5 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 1 million people who work for state and local governments, and that leaves 500,000 people to do the work. At any given time there are 280,000 people in hospitals, leaving 220,000 people to do the work. Now, there are 219,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me. And there you are sitting on your arse, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice...
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb fuck. Someone has stolen our tent."
aight.. that should be enough for now.