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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-04-2006, 09:05 AM Thread Starter
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*Chuck Norris*

.Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

.There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

.The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

.There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

.Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

.Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

.Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.

.Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.


Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-04-2006, 09:16 AM
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LMAO! Some new ones, some better ones.


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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-04-2006, 09:22 AM
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yeah but after a while, the same chuck norris joke gets old
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-04-2006, 09:23 AM
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....

dang,...... did you just make all those up??

god bless.

You don't have to earn my respect, you have to earn my disrespect.

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Standing in a cell with tears running down your face and blood down your legs is no way to protest.
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-04-2006, 09:24 AM
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Originally Posted by ELVIS
dang,...... did you just make all those up??

god bless.
Yeah if he's the web creator for www.chucknorrisfacts.com
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-04-2006, 09:28 AM
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...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Project450
Yeah if he's the web creator for www.chucknorrisfacts.com
it was a joke. laughing at the fact this shit is posted on here at least once a week.

god bless.

You don't have to earn my respect, you have to earn my disrespect.

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Standing in a cell with tears running down your face and blood down your legs is no way to protest.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-04-2006, 11:01 AM
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Chuck Norris Is Gay

Chuck Norris has never ridden a bull as hard as he has ridden a cock.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris learned the roundhouse kick not from Bruce Lee, but by jumping up and twirling around in vain, attempting to unwedge his panties from his ass.

Chuck Norris punctuates all his roundhouse kicks with a period. The bloody kind.

Chuck Norris thinks Hooters is an exclusive hangout for people with huge pick-up trucks.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
His dick was so long he could suck it,
He said with a grin,
As he tickled his chin,
If my ass was a pussy Chuck Norris would fuck it.

Chuck Norris founded the PEE PEE Wax Club, but was later kicked out after he waxed his penis down to nothing.

Jonathan Ned Katz wanted Chuck Norris to use a condom, but he used a water balloon instead.

Chuck Norris is the leading cause of abstinence.

There are indeed horses hung like Chuck Norris. These horses die alone.

Chuck Norris' back is so hairy that even Persian women are turned off. But the men love it.

Chuck Norris' burps smell like semen.

Chuck Norris impaled the man from Nantucket with his own penis just to hold the title "Most Dicks Sucked...EVER!"

Chuck Norris once tried snorting Coke, but the ice cubes got stuck in his nose.

Chuck Norris once tried to get with Reese Witherspoon. She considered him "Legally Small Penised."

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris pities Mr. T.

Chuck Norris fans are upset because Anti-Chuck Norris fans don't spend hours coming up with witty rebounds. They just remember flicking through "Walker, Texas Ranger" and coming up with thousands of true, funny things to say about Chuck Norris. For instance, Chuck Norris is a martial artist who wears a cowboy hat in Texas and sports a ginger beard and tight jeans.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins. Chuck Norris was pissed off because you can't have sex with 25 gold coins.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Too bad his penchant for $800 platinum cock rings prevents him from being able to afford to pay the tariffs.

In Pac-Man, Chuck Norris does not lose lives, they simply go on coffee breaks.

Chuck Norris really DOES know the meaning of "Just Say No," because he just says no all the time...to women.

Chuck Norris is so great, he doesn't need to hurt the author of Anti-Chuck Norris facts. He's too busy having sex with his wife and three daughters.

240

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them. Chuck Norris is but a ghost.

Chuck Norris' mom was in labor for three more days following his birth: one for his ego, one for his intelligence, and one for his talent. The latter two were stillborns from lack of oxygen. Only Chuck Norris' ego survived.

Chuck Norris cries himself to sleep every night, then wakes up to the sounds of his own cries.

Chuck Norris once took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

David Carradine, using his "l33t" Shaolin skills, can kill Chuck Norris with his mind, then separate Chuck Norris from his body to kick his ghost's ass.

One time, while watching gay porn, Chuck Norris swallowed his remote control because he thought it would feel good on the way out.

Chuck Norris was disowned by his father when it was discovered Chuck Norris could do the splits before learning to walk.

Chuck Norris' real name is Carlos Ray Norris, Jr.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate over 300,000 results. This page will be the first one because Chuck Norris is easily broken down into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later, the nuns gave birth to the 1976 Buccaneers, the worst team in NFL history, finishing their season 0-14 and losing by an average of 20 points per game. They were also shut out five times that season.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

The only number Chuck Norris can divide by is 0, because Chuck Norris is the definition of nothing.

Chuck Norris has yet to find the G-spot. Scientists find it perplexing that Chuck Norris doesn't know his way around his vagina.

When they asked Chuck Norris to be in Brokeback Mountain 2 he simply said "How many sex scenes?"

Chuck Norris once asked a group of people, "What's white, sticky, and falling from the sky?" Chuck Norris then licked his lips, rubbed his hands, and replied "The cumming of the Lord."

If Chuck Norris has fucked every woman in the world, then he has done his own mom.

A 7-year-old blind boy once found Waldo before Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris jumps in a pond, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets terrified.

Chuck Norris auditioned for the T-800 part in the Terminator, but was refuted when it was discovered that he was part man, part cyborg himself. Capitalizing on the machine he was made out of, Chuck Norris assembled official Chuck Norris dildos with self-described "12 inches of action and excitement!"

Chuck Norris is the Rump Ranger.

220

Although Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is extremely effective, he has two right feet and can therefore only use it if his enemy is on his right. Stand on his left and Chuck Norris is as dangerous as Barney the Dinosaur's yellow friend.

Jesus willfully crucified himself because he had insider information that Chuck Norris was going to be around in the future. Jesus did this not in fear of Chuck Norris himself, but in fear of Chuck Norris' acting.

Stephen Hawking once beat Chuck Norris in a foot race.

Chuck Norris started the "Chuck Norris Facts" in hopes of finding a new love. Upon finding out the majority of fans using the facts were guys, Chuck Norris wept with joy.

Chuck Norris will ram his rod straight down the throat of anyone who calls him gay. He's just funny like that.

Chuck Norris employs a legion of Mexican landscapers to suppress the manly wilderness that is his back.

Chuck Norris starred in "Firewalker," a film in which he does not walk on fire.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in fairy tales. He thinks you should only find happy endings at the strip club.

Chuck Norris once tried to enter an Ugly Contest and was told, "Sorry, no professionals."

Ronald Reagan didn't have the heart to tell Chuck Norris that his acting in "Walker, Texas Ranger" was forgettable, so Ronald Reagan just told the world that he had Alzheimer's.

After a night of passionate love with Tony Danza, Chuck Norris took the morning after pill, fearing an unwanted pregnancy.

No matter how many fortune cookies Chuck Norris opens, they always say "Fight like a girl."

When Chuck Norris uses Verizon Wireless, you can't hear him now.

Chuck Norris is the only person with no matches on eHarmony.com.

Chuck Norris stayed in high school for 7 years until someone finally signed his yearbook.

Chuck Norris' recites a line from The Notebook as his finishing move in a scrapped version of Mortal Kombat.

Chuck Norris is the only man who can enter a strip club with $500 and leave with $500.

Chuck Norris' milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Chuck Norris once painted a portrait of himself. He only used 3 colors. Nobody said anything.

Chuck Norris' farts are silent and deadly. Deadly because he's Chuck Norris, silent because his butthole is extremely loose.

200

Chuck Norris is credited with the invention of bottled water.

Brad Pitt adopted one of Chuck Norris' children, and Chuck Norris still won't marry him.

Chuck Norris always wears knee pads. When asked if they were for stunt purposes, Chuck Norris replied "sure."

On January 12, 1995 Chuck Norris shaved his beard. On January 13, 1995 Chuck Norris filed a missing person claim on himself.

Chuck Norris is the only person whom the Axe Effect Deodorant Spray will not work on.

Every time Chuck Norris performs a roundhouse kick, he pops two hemorrhoids.

Chuck Norris gives better rimjobs than West Coast Customs.

Chuck Norris folds pocket aces pre-flop.

Osama Bin Laden told Chuck Norris about the 9/11 attacks on 9/10 in order to ensure that his plan would not be foiled.

Chuck Norris bet on Duke to win the National Championship. IN FOOTBALL.

Chuck Norris would go straight if he could fuck Rosie O'Donnell. Too bad she is holding out to go straight for Tom Cruise, who is holding out to go gay for Heath Ledger.

The number of people who saw Gigli is higher than Chuck Norris' white blood cell count.

Chuck Norris tried to copyright the copyright symbol. It was the first time the employees at the United States Patent and Trademark Office have ever laughed.

Chuck Norris fears the Care Bears, especially No Heart.

Although he has the power to eliminate them, Chuck Norris allows emos to exist. Jesus rolls his eyes at this gesture every time.

Chuck Norris has guest directed four episodes of Will and Grace. Before each episode, Chuck Norris requested that Grace be replaced by his friend, "Peter."

On Facebook, Chuck Norris has no pictures tagged by others.

Chuck Norris bet on Poland in both World Wars.

Chuck Norris is Jesus to mindless, trend-loving Americans. He even turns water into wine coolers.

During the initial filming of Dodgeball, Chuck Norris gave a thumbs down to continuing the match because he's a big fan of the Purple Cobra.

180

Chuck Norris was in the Hitler Youth.

Chuck Norris has 11 scrapbooks full of "Love Is" cartoons.

There are now over 100 official sex "maneuvers" popular in the gay community known simply as "The Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once completed a roundhouse kick so powerfully that all the hair from the top of his head ended up on his face. This is also the origin of his cowboy hat, a mark of shame.

A shepherd once accidentally spilled his coffee on Chuck Norris' lap and refused to apologize. Chuck Norris went to the man's field and fucked every one of his sheep. Chuck Norris wasn't trying to get back at him, he just loves to fuck sheep.

Chuck Norris shampoos with conditioner, and then actually repeats.

If you yell "Chuck Norris" into the Grand Canyon, it echoes back "is a pussy."

Chuck Norris lives on an island surrounded by a sea of his own tears.

If you say "Chuck Norris" into a mirror ten times on Friday the 13th, Chuck Norris will show up behind you with an axe. Then he'll try to sell you the axe to support his various substance addictions.

Chuck Norris tattooed "No day butt today" on his ass, partly because of the pun, but mainly because he loves "Rent."

Chuck Norris was kicked out of the CIA because he was unable to come up with a better codename than "Nuck Chorris." To add injury to insult, it was a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris, on the set of Sidekicks, asked Jonathan Brandis to tone down his acting skills so that Chuck Norris wouldn't look so bad. Chuck Norris used the third person in an attempt to trick Jonathan Brandis into thinking the request was not at the behest of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was once seen following a girl out of a bedroom at a party saying, "Listen, I'm sorry, that doesn't usually happen..."

Chuck Norris has a signed poster of Vin Diesel directly above his bed. Sadly, Chuck Norris does not realize that the signature is a mass-produced mechanical replica.

Chuck Norris always pours his beer into a glass before drinking it. He giggles like a schoolboy when the glass produces head, then slurps it down like a fag.

Chuck Norris is the driving force behind Chuck Norris facts. He has even been caught in public speaking in the third person.

Chuck Norris' iPod has "Princess" written in Swarofsky crystals on it.

Chuck Norris lost custody of his children in an arm wrestling match with Bea Arthur.

Uncle Jesse's mullet once won a knife fight against Chuck Norris. Uncle Jesse's mullet didn't have a knife.

Chuck Norris can't have a dog because dogs are allergic to Chuck Norris.

160

Chuck Norris 2006: Spin-kicks for Breast Cancer Research.

Chuck Norris' DNA is made up of four leaf clovers, unicorns, and smiles.

Chuck Norris will fight you any time of the day. Except when "The View" is on.

Chuck Norris IS, "Walker, Texas Power Ranger."

Chuck Norris always buys the Double Gulp at 7-11 even though he knows he can't finish it.

Chuck Norris's second most lethal art is face painting.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he looks in his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck's ass is still sore from the last time he was found.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris hasn't completed a full roundhouse kick since 1998, when he tore his sack during a taping of "Walker, Texas Ranger."

Chuck Norris once lost a fight to a paraplegic because "His chi was too strong."

Chuck Norris is from Texas. Only steers and queers come from Texas. Chuck Norris has no horns.

Every time Chuck Norris curls his bicep, an angel gets its wings.

Chuck Norris adopts orphans from the Asian tsunami disaster, only to make them sit for hours in his pool while he yells at them for not having emotional breakthroughs.

During World War II Chuck Norris once tried killing a Nazi soldier by pointing his finger at him and yelling "Bang!"

Chuck Norris is an avid reader. He proudly owns all first edition copies of "The Babysitters Club."

Chuck Norris quit his job working on Sesame Street after just 4 hours, claiming he was tired of "the intimidation, harassment and bullying."

Chuck Norris was once a female East German shot-putter named Berta Schultz. She was laughed off the team for throwing like a girl. Several operations later, Berta became Chuck. S/he lives with that shame every day.

Chuck Norris once sent himself flowers on Valentine's Day to trick people into thinking he had a girlfriend. Too bad he signed the card, "From Chuck Norris."

In the year 1248, enraged villagers broke into Chuck Norris' castle with the intention of burning him at the stake. Chuck started crying like a little girl and the mob, feeling increasingly awkward, dispersed and agreed amongst themselves to never mention the incident again.

Chuck Norris has the chorus to the song "Fly By Night" tattooed on the underside of his penis.

140

Chuck Norris manages a Baskin Robbins franchise. It only has access to 23 flavors.

Chuck Norris cuts the roof of his mouth when he eats Cap'n Crunch.

Chuck Norris once got an erection. Nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. Too bad Chuck Norris is a guy.

Chuck Norris' pick-up runs on sunshine and puppy's tears. Chuck Norris' truck never starts because "Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, only darkness everyday."

Chuck Norris gets carded for PG-13 movies, including his own.

Chuck Norris came over for dinner once and raped me. It was the worst forced sex I have ever had.

The chief import of Chuck Norris is cock.

Chuck Norris vs. Jay Leno: Chuck Norris - no lips, no chin. Jay Leno - no lips. Jay Leno by a chin.

Chuck Norris was once spit on by a camel. Chuck Norris then broke out in anger, singing "My Humps" at the top of his lungs to regain his dignity.

Chuck Norris fears the Mach 4 razor. He wishes it had softer and fewer blades.

Chuck Norris masturbates furiously in a corner whenever he sees a Bowflex commercial.

Chuck Norris's favorite Mario Kart character is Princess Peach. Princess Peach's favorite "Walker, Texas Ranger" character is Jimmy Trivette.

Chuck Norris puts forth so much effort during a Total Gym demonstration that he actually shits his pants. Depends has been trying to get him to endorse their adult diapers for years.

A Chinaman once told Chuck Norris that his penis was too small during a karate tournament. A CHINAMAN.

Chuck Norris' real name is Daniel Goldberg. He is ashamed of his Jewish heritage.

Chuck Norris eats dirt because he thinks it is feces. He then takes a sip of gasoline and spits it out, complaining that it doesn't taste enough like urine.

Chuck Norris is wanted for raping 10 different men during last year's Carinaval celebration in Brazil. The United States has refused the Brazilian extradition request.

Many stuntmen who have worked with Chuck Norris complain on set that Chuck Norris makes far too many so-called jokes about "exchanging blows."

In The Way of the Dragon, Chuck Norris's ass-kicking at the hands of Bruce Lee isn't all staged. During one especially close exchange, Chuck Norris attempted to cop a feel, which Mr. Lee did not appreciate. The subsequent scene was left in "for the sake of reality."

120

Chuck Norris, realizing he his career is going down the tube, drowns himself in a gallon of ice cream which is promptly melted by his warm, salty tears.

Chuck Norris was once arrested in a small Midwestern town for public indecency. During his four-hour stay in the local jail, he was made the bitch to a pre-op transsexual named Phil.

Chuck Norris raped my dog. And then my youth. And then my dog again.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting because hunting implies that you might kill something. Chuck Norris goes bird watching.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man it is not because he has run out of women. It is because he was born that way. It wasn't his choice.

Chuck Norris changed his name to Chuck in 1972 because he was in fact the Charlie we were searching for in 'Nam.

Chuck Norris gives all his friends back, sack and crack waxes. But he is very gentle with them.

Chuck Norris came up with the idea for his look after many years studying the Brawny paper towel man.

Chuck Norris is proud of the facts that his pubes are longer and girthier than his penis.

Steven Segal once took a Total Gym and rammed it up Chuck Norris' ass. Sideways. Chuck Norris never flinched.

Chuck Norris only started taking Karate lessons because his friends made fun of the fact that he went to Yoga classes on Tuesday and Thursday.

Chuck Norris spilled his milk when he was 30. He still cries over it.

Chuck Norris fears no man! Only women.

"Brokeback Mountain" is based loosely on the events of Chuck Norris' life.

Chuck Norris was seen running out of Jenny Craig crying because his strict diet of Tony Danza's spunk didn't work.

Chuck Norris once had sex with a woman, but his orgasm was so powerful it blew a hole threw her. Then he cried and tried to cuddle with her bleeding vagina.

Chuck Norris once took a bite out of a Boy George vinyl and swallowed it.

Chuck Norris wears biker shorts under his kilt.

Chuck Norris gave a thumbs up on "Dodgeball" because he thought William Shatner was asking him out.

Chuck Norris is the real author of www.chucknorrisfacts.com.

100

Chuck Norris listens to Fall Out Boy and cries.

Chuck Norris has a summer home on "Brokeback Mountain."

If Chuck Norris were gay, his name would be...oh wait.

Chuck Norris adopted a young black child so he could test out his racist jokes first.

Chuck Norris doesn't like fat chicks. He loves them.

Chuck Norris sits down to pee.

Chuck Norris uses live rattlesnakes as condoms. Tiny, baby rattlesnakes.

Chuck Norris has to wear a helmet to every meal, not because he is special, but because Christie Brinkley loses her temper when the airplane is not allowed to land.

Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac from Burger King, and got one, because no one wanted to hear him pout about it again.

On the set of the movie Sidekicks, Chuck Norris and Joe Piscopo had a real fight. The loser was declared to be humanity because they both lived.

Chuck Norris was once trapped in a paper bag for 3 days.

Chuck Norris once heard a women screaming while being raped in a dark alley. When Chuck Norris approached, he gave the women a roundhouse kick to jaw so she would shut the fuck up.

Chuck Norris once passed out during a marathon because his thick, award-winning whiskers were blocking air from entering his nasal cavity.

Chuck Norris puts dye in his beard because he is afraid of grey hairs.

Chuck Norris was once heard saying, "Boy, I sure wish Jessica Simpson had smaller tits."

Chuck Norris injects steroids into his upper lip, so that it can bear the weight of his mustache.

In preparation for his future role as a gay cowboy, a young Jake Gyllenhaal spent a year as Chuck Norris' understudy on the set of "Walker, Texas Ranger."

Chuck Norris was the studio's original choice to play Brandon Teena in the movie, "Boys Don't Cry." Hilary Swank replaced him because test audiences found him to be gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys.

Chuck Norris sucks dick for cab fare and then walks home.

Chuck Norris won't suck one, but he will hold it in his mouth until it goes soft.

80

Chuck Norris lights mini-scented candles around the tub when he takes a bath.

When Chuck Norris was offered bread at a restaurant he replied, "No thank you, I'm watching my carbs."

Chuck Norris voted Bush in the 2000 election.

Chuck Norris has been shot by Chuck Bronson twelve times.

Chuck Norris checks his closet for Michael Jackson before he goes to bed. He is disappointed when he doesn't find him.

Chuck Norris once burned his lips on the tailpipe of a car while trying to blow it up for a movie.

For Chuck Norris, the roundhouse kick is not a signature move, it's just the closest he can come to his high school cheerleading days, which he misses sorely.

Chuck Norris has agreed to star in Brokeback Mountain 2.

Chuck Norris cried after 15 minutes on the IGN Vestibule.

Chuck Norris doesn't shave because he fears the razor.

Chuck Norris paid for a beer in a dirty glass with money out of his coin purse.

Chuck Norris' hair is made from the stolen eyelashes of Cambodian orphans.

When Chuck Norris and Christy Brinkley make Total Gym commercials, Christy uses a higher setting. And spots him.

Chuck Norris once backed out of Celebrity Boxing, fearing the wrath of Gary Coleman.

Chuck Norris found this page and said, "Shit! I guess my unfounded and unearned popularity is over." He spent the next four hours lying face down on his silk duvet cover crying into a down pillow. Anything less wouldn't have provided enough comfort.

Chuck Norris is a chronic self-deprecating masturbator.

Chuck Norris had his penis surgically removed in order to make his roundhouse kicks higher.

Chuck Norris was once the subject of a "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" bukkake. The tears of joy he wept reanimated both Jean Cocteau, who filmed the event, and Oscar Wilde, who made snide comments about Norris' masculinity.

Jack Bauer was overheard saying to Chuck Norris, "Let's get this straight: the only reason you're still conscious is because I don't wanna carry you."

Chuck Norris caused Hurricane Katrina and encouraged George W. Bush to let Michael Brown handle it.

60

Chuck Norris was approached by Mattel to market his controversial Homo Kung Fu Doll. However, the test market in San Francisco found it too gay and went with the Ru Paul Line instead. They kept the Kung Fu grip.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with an erection. There were no survivors. Who knew so many people could die of laughter?

Chuck Norris has been quoted as hitting on girls using the line, "How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if the wood chuck got with YOU!"

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He passes out after two wine coolers.

Chuck Norris didn't really tell Admiral Akbar about the trap.

Chuck Norris was born Chuck Stevens but took his wife's name when they were married.

Chuck Norris once was at the theater watching Crossroads, when someone spotted him sending the following text message to someone: "Count me in on the gay clown orgy."

Chuck Norris has the ultimate World of Warcraft character! But he joins parties and leaves halfway through and always causes guild drama.

The morning after sex with his girlfriend, Chuck Norris likes to greet her with breakfast in bed.

Chuck Norris once took a kick to the balls and didn't flinch. Chuck Norris does not have balls.

Chuck Norris once had sex with a man, not because he was gay, but because he had run out of women. When he let the man come in his mouth, that was because he was gay.

Chuck Norris's penis has master envy.

Chuck Norris was once invited back to his high school to speak at a graduation. Upon his arrival, Screech, Slater, Kelly, Lisa, and Jesse said, "That's not Zack Morris, that's Chuck Norris!" Mr. Belding broke the bad news to the class that Zack would not be attending the graduation, then delivered a roundhouse kick to Chuck Norris and sent him to detention.

Chuck Norris always insists that he's joking when he sniggers in his camp voice, "I'm going outside to have a fag, and then I'm going to have a cigarette." But we all know he's not joking.

Chuck Norris didn't go to college, but his mom went to college!

Chuck Norris can suck the AIDS virus right out of a grown man's cock, then spit it into a bottle for research.

Chuck Norris has no friends on Myspace.

Chuck Norris' ejaculatory fluid is composed of 100% Noxema skin cream.

During his first night at college, Chuck Norris drank a beer and puked all over himself. Thus, the phrase "chucking" was born.

Chuck Norris once ate a dog because he couldn't find the can opener in his new cabinets.

40

Chuck Norris wrote the Bible. Nice one, Chuck.

Chuck Norris once fought Vin Diesel...and got absolutely fucked up.

Chuck Norris goes to bars and slips roofies into his own dirty martinis in hopes of getting picked up.

Before being discovered as a martial arts talent, Chuck Norris was a writer for Hallmark greeting cards.

Chuck Norris' vagina is so wide that his thighs don't touch even when his legs are crossed.

Chuck Norris pisses Zima.

It is no happy coincidence that Chuck Norris and LaToya Jackson have never appeared in public together.

Chuck Norris' poo is pure roughage.

Chuck Norris once walked into a gay bar because he wanted to. Another time, he walked into another gay bar. Now, it is a weekly habit.

Chuck Norris scored an 8 on the “Are you a good boyfriend” quiz in Cosmo.

Chuck Norris is seen at the pet store weekly buying gerbils. He then stuffs them up his ass.

Chuck Norris orders the “side salad with low-fat dressing” at a BBQ joint.

Upon hitting puberty, Chuck Norris had a zit on his ass the size of a cantaloupe.

Richard Simmons once told Chuck Norris to quit acting like such a fag.

When asked what his favorite movie was, Chuck Norris replied, “The Notebook. No, no, no, wait I’m just kidding! It's Garden State.”

When asked who his favorite actor was, Chuck Norris replied, “Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement. Wait, uh, I mean Arnold Schwarzenegger or, uh, Sylvester Stallone! Yeah, they’re manly right?!”

Chuck Norris likes to take bubble baths with scented candles.

The origin of the name “Norris” is actually French. The translation of the word “Chuck” means homosexual.

Chuck Norris' pubes cover the head of Carrot Top.

Chuck Norris was in fact in a television show called "Walker, Texas Ranger."

20

Chuck Norris once got a splinter and was rushed immediately to the ER, screaming “I’m too young to die!” the whole way.

Chuck Norris’ favorite color is lavender.

Chuck Norris majored in liberal arts. It was his first choice.

As a child, Chuck Norris was often caught spooning with other ginger kids during nap time.

Chuck Norris throws with his right hand like I do with my left hand. I’m right-handed.

Chuck Norris’ wife was heard howling with laughter throughout the hotel on their honeymoon.

Chuck Norris once stopped mid round-house kick because he inexplicably soiled himself.

Chuck Norris’ adult diaper is made to withhold 2,000 lbs of pressure per square inch. It breaks on a regular basis.

Chuck Norris cried during The Notebook.

Chuck Norris once became popular for no apparent reason whatsoever.

Chuck Norris tried to round-house kick me in the face once, but he’s really old, so I moved out of the way and he fell to the ground and just kind of laid there.

Chuck Norris’ hip breaking was heard across 12 states.

Chuck Norris’ inflamed prostate is the size of a watermelon, and produces really gross shit that has no use in any way in modern society.

Despite Chuck Norris’ colored sidekick on "Walker, Texas Ranger," he is an adamant racist.

Chuck Norris once had an affair with Ralph Macchio on the set of The Karate Kid.

Chuck Norris’ catheter bag exploded and flooded one-third of the United States killing millions.

Chuck Norris once shook my hand. It felt like I was holding on to 5 wet noodles of spaghetti.

Chuck Norris uses 5 tampons a day. The heavy-duty kind.

Chuck Norris once went into a bar and was heard saying, “I’ll have a Mike’s Hard Lemonade.”

Chuck Norris once stayed awake for 30 days atop Mt. Everest awaiting his enemies. Too bad 99% of people die before they reach the top.

Top 11 Anti-Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris' semen cures cancer. Too bad he has AIDS.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He lies awake in regret.

3. Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC, claiming Hope & Faith are trademarked names for his left and right breasts.

4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is diarrhea.

5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may not realize how much he's actually aged.

6. Chuck Norris attempted to count to infinity. Backwards. He didn't know where to start.

7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the chance of success. Chuck Norris wanders around aimlessly with a gun.

8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK-47. The gun. It is compatible only with bullets. Chuck Norris is full of holes.

9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Grand Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man drives a fucking Jeep.

10. In fine print on the last page of the Farmers' Almanac it notes that annual rainfall figures do not include the tears shed by Chuck Norris, and the figures listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has gotten to subtracting out such overwhelming excess.

11. There is a double chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. No wonder he doesn't shave.

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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-05-2006, 07:52 AM
Lifer
 
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NOW THAT!!!!!!!!!!!

is funny, although I didn't take the time to read EVERY one.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-09-2006, 09:57 AM
 
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OMG, that's alot...
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-09-2006, 03:48 PM
V8driver
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 10sec302
NOW THAT!!!!!!!!!!!

is funny, although I didn't take the time to read EVERY one.
i did...
post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-09-2006, 03:53 PM
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Some of the anti-Chuck Norris facts, maybe half, are funny; most of the Chuck Norris facts I've read are funny, and few of them are getting old.


Quote:
Originally Posted by DON SVO View Post
Women: vaginal life support.
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-09-2006, 04:39 PM
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Hey Chuck Norris facts...I've never seen this before, are these new or something?!?!

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