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post #1 of 1 (permalink) Old 04-03-2006, 07:50 PM Thread Starter
Time Served
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: State of Confusion
Posts: 787
Navy Life

These come around now and again but stuff keeps getting added...

HOW TO SIMULATE BEING IN THE NAVY


1. BUY A DUMPSTER, PAINT IT GREY, AND LIVE IN IT FOR SIX MONTHS.
2. RUN ALL OF THE PIPING AND WIRES INSIDE YOUR HOUSE, ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE WALLS, AND LABEL ALL THE PIPING SO YOU CAN IDENTIFY WHAT YOU JUST HIT YOUR HEAD ON.
3. PUMP 10 INCHES OF NASTY, GROSS WATER INTO YOUR BASEMENT. THEN PUMP IT OUT, CLEAN IT UP, AND PAINT THE BASEMENT TERRACOTTA.
4. EVERY COUPLE OF WEEKS, DRESS UP IN YOUR BEST CLOTHES AND GO TO THE SCUMMIEST PART OF TOWN, FIND THE MOST RUN DOWN, TRASHY BAR YOU CAN, PAY $10 PER BEER UNTIL YOUR HAMMERED, THEN WALK HOME IN THE FREEZING COLD.
5. PERFORM A WEEKLY DISASSEMBLY AND INSPECTION OF YOUR LAWN MOWER.
6. RAISE YOUR BED TO WITHIN SIX INCHES OF THE CEILING.
7. HAVE YOUR NEIGHBOR COME OVER AT 5 AM, AND BLOW A WHISTLE SO LOUD THAT HELEN KELLER WOULD HEAR, AND SHOUT "REVEILLE, REVEILLE, ALL HANDS HEAVE OUT AND TRICE UP."
8. HAVE YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING SHE WANTS YOU TO DO THAT DAY (AND WHAT TO WEAR). THEN STAND IN THE BACKYARD AT 6 AM AND HAVE HER READ IT TO YOU.

9. SIT IN YOUR CAR AND LET IT RUN FOR 4 HOURS BEFORE GOING ANYWHERE TO ENSURE THAT YOUR ENGINE IS PROPERLY "LIT OFF".
10. REPAINT YOUR HOUSE ONCE A MONTH.
11. HAVE YOUR NEIGHBOR COLLECT YOUR MAIL FOR A MONTH, RANDOMLY LOSING EVERY 5TH ITEM.
12. SPEND $20,000 ON A SATELLITE SYSTEM FOR YOUR TV, ONLY TO WATCH CNN AND THE WEATHER CHANNEL.
13. HAVE YOUR 5-YEAR-OLD COUSIN GIVE YOU A HAIRCUT WITH GOAT SHEARS.
14. SEW BACK POCKETS TO THE FRONT OF YOUR PANTS.
15. PERIODICALLY, SHUT OFF POWER AT THE MAIN CIRCUIT BREAKER AND RUN AROUND SHOUTING "FIRE, FIRE, FIRE" AND RESTORE POWER.

16. PURCHASE 50 CASES OF TOILET PAPER, LOCK UP ALL BUT TWO ROLLS, ENSURE ONE OF THESE TWO ROLLS IS WET AT ALL TIMES.
17. SLEEP ON A SHELF IN THE CLOSET, REPLACE THE DOOR WITH A CURTAIN, HAVE YOUR WIFE WHIP OPEN THE CURTAIN ABOUT 3 HOURS AFTER YOU GO TO SLEEP, SHINE A BRIGHT FLASHLIGHT DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES, AND THEN MUMBLE "SORRY, WRONG RACK".

18. SAFETY WIRE THE LUG NUTS ON YOUR CAR.
19. DRIVE TO THE GAS STATION, GET PERMISSION FROM THE SERVICE ATTENDANT TO REFUEL YOUR CAR, DON RUBBER GLOVES, APRON, AND FACE SHIELD, START PUMPING, THEN TELL WIFE AND KIDS IN THE CAR,"WE'VE COMMENCED REFUELING".

20. MOVE IN WITH ALL THE PEOPLE YOU WOULDN'T GET CAUGHT DEAD HANGING OUT WITH FROM HIGH SCHOOL FOR 6 MONTHS.
21. SET YOUR ALARM CLOCK TO GO OFF AT RANDOM DURING THE NIGHT. JUMP AND GET DRESSED AS FAST AS YOU CAN, MAKING SURE YOU BUTTON THE TOP BUTTON ON YOUR SHIRT AND YOUR PANTS TUCKED IN YOUR SOCKS, RUN OUTSIDE AND UNCOIL THE GARDEN HOSE.

22. INSTALL A SMALL FLORESCENT LAMP UNDER THE COFFEE TABLE, GET UNDER IT AND READ BOOKS, AND OR SLEEP.
23. RAISE THE THRESHOLDS AND LOWER THE TOP SEALS OF YOUR DOORS SO THAT YOU EITHER TRIP OR BANG YOUR HEAD EVERY TIME YOU PASS THROUGH THEM.

24. WHEN BAKING A CAKE, PROP UP ONE SIDE OF THE PAN WHILE IT IS IN THE OVEN, SPREAD ICING ON REAL THICK TO LEVEL IT OFF, SERVE AT EVERY MEAL.

25. EVERY SO OFTEN THROW THE CAT IN THE POOL AND SHOUT "MAN OVERBOARD, STARBOARD SIDE" THEN RUN INTO THE KITCHEN AND SWEEP ALL THE PANS AND DISHES OFF THE COUNTER, YELL AT THE WIFE AND KIDS FOR NOT "SECURING FOR SEA!"

26. PUT ON THE HEADPHONES FROM YOUR STEREO, HANG A PAPER CUP AROUND YOUR NECK WITH A STRING. GO STAND IN FRONT OF THE STOVE AND SAY..."STOVE MANNED AND READY." STAY THERE FOR 3-4 HOURS AND SAY..."STOVE SECURED,GOING OFFLINE." ROLL UP YOUR HEADPHONES AND PAPER CUP AND PLACE THEM IN A BOX MOUNTED ON THE WALL.

27. HAVE YOUR LITTLE SISTER YELL "WE ARE IN A TRAINING ENVIRONMENT"
THEN HAVE YOUR DAD FRANTICALLY WAVE A RED AND BLACK RAG AT YOU YELLING "BLACK SMOKE AND FIRE" WHILE YOU WAVE AN UNCHARGED GARDEN HOSE AT HIM.

28. STAND IN THE DOORWAY OF YOUR HOUSE AND EVERY TIME THE DOG COMES THROUGH THE DOGGIE DOOR, RING THE DOORBELL TWICE AND ANNOUNCE "BOXER ARRIVING", THEN WHEN HE LEAVES, RING THE BELL TWICE AND ANNOUNCE "BOXER DEPARTING".

29. LOCK YOURSELF IN YOUR HOME FOR SIX MONTHS, CONSUMING ONLY SNICKERS AND PEPSI. AT THE END OF THE SIX MONTHS GO TO THE HIGH SCHOOL TRACK AND TRY TO RUN A MILE AND A HALF IN 9 MINUTES, AND WHEN YOU CAN'T. YOU MUST STAND AT ATTENTION WHILE YOUR WIFE YELLS AT YOU FOR NOT BEING "WITHIN STANDARDS".

30. GO OUTSIDE AT MIDNIGHT, OPEN THE FIRE HYDRANT FULL FORCE , THEN TRY TO HAMMER A PIECE OF FIREWOOD IN THE HOLE.
31. EVERY HOUR FOR 4 HOURS WALK ABOUT YOUR HOUSE, CHECKING THE WATER LEVEL IN THE TOILETS AND THE REFRIGERATOR TEMPS, GO OVER TO THE NEIGHBORS HOUSE. RING THE DOORBELL, WHEN HE ANSWERS, SALUTE HIM AND SAY.."ALL SECURE."

32.STAND AT THE END OF YOUR WALKWAY BEHIND A PODIUM WITH A STICK, WHEN YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S FRIENDS COME OVER, ASK TO SEE THEIR DRIVER'S LICENSES. HARASS THOSE WHO CAN'T PRODUCE A VALID ID, BUT LET THEM BY ANYWAY.

33. HAVE YOUR MOM SEW YOUR NAME ON THE BACK OF ALL YOUR PANTS.
34. AT MIDNIGHT, WRITE ON LEGAL PAD WHICH NEIGHBORS ARE HOME, WHAT SINKS, SHOWERS AND CEILING FANS ARE ONLINE, AND WHETHER OR NOT YOUR WIFE IS AT HOME.

35. TAG OUT YOUR LAMP TO CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB.
36. DRAW AND TEST A DAILY LUBE OIL SAMPLE FROM YOUR CAR.
37. YELL "ATTENTION ON DECK" EVERY TIME YOUR WIFE ENTERS THE ROOM YOU ARE IN.
38. PAINT A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK RING AROUND EVERY DOORWAY LEADING OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE. THEN PAINT A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK BOX ON EVERY WALL IN THE HOUSE. IN THE BOX WRITE THE NAME OF THE ROOM AND GIVE IT A USELESS NUMBER AND CALL THAT BOX A "BULL'S EYE".

39. PUT RED LIGHTS IN EVERY LIGHT FIXTURE LEADING OUTSIDE THE HOUSE AND INSTALL A SWITCH THAT TURNS THIS LIGHT OFF WHEN THE DOOR IS OPENED.

40. GO TO THE BACKYARD AND SAY "AFT LOOKOUT ONLINE" AND STAY THERE ALL DAY.
41. YELL AT YOUR KIDS FOR WEARING WHITE SOCKS.
42. FLIP YOUR KID'S MATTRESS ONTO THE FLOOR BECAUSE THE SEAM OF THEIR BEDSHEET WAS RUNNING THE WRONG WAY.
43. INSTALL A 2 BY 2-FOOT SHOWER AND TRY TO WASH YOUR FEET. (GOOD
LUCK)
44. AFTER A RAINSTORM, GET A MOP AND GET UP ALL STANDING WATER FROM THE PORCH AND SIDEWALK, SO THE WIFE WON'T COMPLAIN, AND DON'T FORGET TO SWEEP AWAY ALL THE STANDING WATER IN THE STREET.

45. INSTALL A WOODEN BOX WITH A SMALL SLOT IN THE TOP AND A HOLE IN THE BOTTOM THAT LEADS DIRECTLY TO THE TRASHCAN, AND ON THE BOX IN BOLD LETTERS WRITE...."SUGGESTION BOX".

46. PAY FOR THE KIDS TO GO TO SMALL ENGINE SCHOOL. THEN WHEN THE LAWN MOWER BREAKS, CALL SEARS TO COME AND FIX IT.
47. SERVE DINNER AT 4 PM. GIVE YOUR FAT SON A GENEROUS SERVING BECAUSE HE LOOKS HUNGRY, AND BE SURE TO STARVE THE SKINNY ONE WHO IS ACTUALLY VERY HUNGRY, AND SECURE DINNER BEFORE EVERYONE EATS.
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