Rockin' da fumanchu
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: On the straight and narrow,stumbling at best, only by Gods grace.
Oil Change Instructions
> > Oil Change instructions for Women:
> > 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
> > the last oil change.
> > 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
> > 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
> > maintained vehicle.
> > Money spent:
> > Oil Change $20.00
> > Coffee $1.00
> > Total $21.00
> > ================================================== ========
> > Oil Change instructions for Men:
> > 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
> > oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
> > check for $50.00.
> > 2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
> > 3) Open a beer and drink it.
> > 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> > 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> > 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> > 7) Place drain pan under engine.
> > 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> > 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> > 10) Unscrew drain plug.
> > 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
> > process. Cuss.
> > 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
> > Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
> > 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> > 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
> > 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
> > filter and twist off
> > 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing
> > everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
> > trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> > 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
> > oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
> > 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
> > pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
> > in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
> > 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
> > 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
> > 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
> > 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
> > gasket surface.
> > 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> > 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
> > 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain
> > 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
> > along with drain plug.
> > 27) Drink beer
> > 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
> > dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover
> > oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
> > lawnmower gas.
> > 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
> > kitty litter on oil spill.
> > 30) Drink beer.
> > 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
> > oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
> > tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
> > 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
> > 33) Begin cussing fit.
> > 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> > 35) Cuss for additional
10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
> > 36) Beer.
> > 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
> > flow.
> > 38) Beer.
> > 39) Beer.
> > 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> > 41) Beer.
> > 42) Lower car from jack stands.
> > 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
> > 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
> > during steps 23 - 43.
> > 45) Beer.
> > 46) Test drive car.
> > 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
> > 48) Car gets impounded.
> > 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
> > 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
> > Money spent:
> > Parts $50.00
> > DUI $2500.00
> > Impound fee $75.00
> > Bail $1500.00
> > Beer $40.00
> > Total - - $4,165.00
> > But you know the job was done right!