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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-19-2005, 11:13 AM Thread Starter
Lifer
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: SBRacing
Posts: 1,793
Chili Cookoff

Sorry if it is a repost I couldn't stop laughing.

>Chili Contest
>
>If you can read the whole story without tears of
>laugher running down your cheeks then there's no hope
>for you.
>
>NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
>first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. The notes
>are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
>visiting Texas from the East Coast:
>
>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
>judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
>in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
>standing there at the judge's table asking directions
>to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was
>assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
>the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,
>they told me I could have free beer during the
>tasting, So I accepted."
>
>Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
>Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
>Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
>kick.
>
>Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
>
>Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy ----, what the hell is this
>stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
>driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
>hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
>Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
>jalapeno tang.
>
>
>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
>to be taken seriously.
>
>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
>I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
>I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
>maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
>face.
>
>Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>Needs more beans.
>
>Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use
>of peppers
>
>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
>spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
>Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
>before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
>my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
>getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
>
>Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>
>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
>side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
>chili.
>
>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
>tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
>burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
>behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. Bitch is
>starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm
>eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
>freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
>impressive.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
>tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
>my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
>farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
>The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
>her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
>tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
>from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
>It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
>to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
>Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
>Good balance of spices and peppers.
>
>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
>onions, and garlic. Superb.
>
>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
>filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself
>when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
>chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
>that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.
>Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with
>a snow cone.
>
>Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>
>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
>on canned peppers.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
>threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
>should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He
>appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>
>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
>the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight
>in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
>rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili; which
>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
>lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the
>autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
>stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not
>getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
>suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
>
>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
>chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
>existence.
>
>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance
>chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
>it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and
>pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
>if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd
>have reacted to really hot chili.
>
>_________________________________________________ ______
>

99GT Vert
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-19-2005, 11:45 AM
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must"have"ang's Avatar
 
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Read it before, still funny.

best line: " I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone."

"I Approve This Message"
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-19-2005, 01:22 PM
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 124
i didnt think it was all that funny cept this part

"Sally, the barmaid, was standing
>behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. Bitch is
>starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm
>eating"
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-19-2005, 02:41 PM
Lifer
 
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Location: DFW
Posts: 4,291
If you don't think that is funny, there is definitely something wrong with you. I think that is great and just about did come to tears when I was reading.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-20-2005, 03:36 PM
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 23
Right i should have read the warning, now my boss is looking at me like i'm crazy.
The part about wiping my ass with a snow cone made me bust out laughing.
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