Darwin Awards are out for 2004 - DFWstangs Forums
 
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-12-2004, 10:08 PM Thread Starter
 
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Darwin Awards are out for 2004

> >>Darwin Awards are out for 2004.....
> >>
> >>Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual
> >>honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service
by
> >>killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
> >>
> >>Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
>which
> >>toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda
out
> >>of it.
> >>
> >>And the nominees this year in reverse order are:
> >>
> >>7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply
> >>because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline
with
> >>milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he
vomited
> >>into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
> >>burned his house down killing both him and his sister.
> >>
> >>6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home
died
> >>of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2"
tall
>and
> >>weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra,
black
>and
> >>white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
trying
>to
> >>create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military
gas
> >>mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in
> >>its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a
> >>hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other
end
> >>was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause
of
> >>his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the
circumstances
> >>of his death to his family very awkward.
> >>
> >>5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude
> >>when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
the
> >>occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own
aircraft
> >>and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their
pants
> >>around their ankles.
> >>
> >>4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after
he
> >>tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad
> >>trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food
worker,
> >>taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one
>foot,
> >>anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped
and
> >>hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
> >>investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found
nearby.
> >>"The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the
distance
> >>between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the
> >>apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
> >>
> >>3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he
and a
> >>friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as ball.
The
> >>friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.
> >>
> >>2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
> >>smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
> >>extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power,
etc.
> >>After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
> >>company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found
they
> >>had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none
of
>the
> >>lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
> >>technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
> >>resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
> >>object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up
to
> >>three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter
> >>was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected
of
> >>causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his
peers.
> >>
> >>AND THE WINNER.....
> >>
> >>1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
>Sanchez
> >>tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf
>course.
> >>Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix,
Sanchez
> >>managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the
> >>machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by
> >>spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place,
thus
> >>wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately
passed
> >>his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
> >>Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more
than
> >>A foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal
stance,
> >>and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped
open
> >>during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and
> >>remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was
compressed
>and
> >>flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and
the
> >>rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a
new
> >>$300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and
was
> >>using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for
> >>surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
> >>
> >>This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't
die.
> >>But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act
of
> >>stupidity, we have allowed it.
> >>
> >>"To think is easy. To act is hard. But the hardest thing in the
world
> >>is to act in accordance with your thinking." - Goethe
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-13-2004, 01:37 AM
Lifer
 
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LOL @ the ball washer!
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-14-2004, 01:50 PM
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Posts: 350
Quote:
Originally Posted by JimD
LOL @ the ball washer!

OOOUUUCCCHHH!!!
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-16-2004, 04:03 PM
4's a Charm!
 
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Trying to picture the last one happening
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-20-2004, 04:58 PM
too many projects!
 
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Posts: 5,196
WOW people are fucking stupid!

PHUKET
A coward dies a thousand deaths
A soldier dies but once.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-20-2004, 05:04 PM
fuckcanada
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JimD
LOL @ the ball washer!
haha

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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-21-2004, 10:58 AM
nic
 
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Posts: 33
I couldn't help this:
15 easy steps to make this MUCH more amusing.

1. Use mouse to highlight your post.
2. hold down the ctrl key while striking the c key
3. open word
4. hold down the ctrl key while striking the v key
5. hold down the ctrl key while striking the f key
6. type > into the find field
7. click the replace tab
8. click OK
9. click OK
10. hold down the ctrl key while striking the a key
11. hold down the ctrl key while striking the c key
12. return to DFWSTANGS.COM and make new post
13. waste a boatload of time typing up this directive
14. hold down the ctrl key while striking the v key
15. enjoy


Darwin Awards are out for 2004.....

Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual
honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service
by
killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda
out
of it.

And the nominees this year in reverse order are:

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline
with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he
vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home
died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2"
tall
and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra,
black
and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
trying
to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military
gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in
its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a
hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other
end
was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause
of
his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the
circumstances
of his death to his family very awkward.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own
aircraft
and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their
pants
around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after
he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food
worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one
foot,
anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped
and
hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found
nearby.
"The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the
distance
between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the
apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he
and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as ball.
The
friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power,
etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found
they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none
of
the
lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up
to
three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter
was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected
of
causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his
peers.

AND THE WINNER.....

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf
course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix,
Sanchez
managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the
machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by
spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place,
thus
wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately
passed
his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more
than
A foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal
stance,
and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped
open
during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and
remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was
compressed
and
flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and
the
rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a
new
$300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and
was
using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for
surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.

This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't
die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act
of
stupidity, we have allowed it.

"To think is easy. To act is hard. But the hardest thing in the
world
is to act in accordance with your thinking." - Goethe
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-21-2004, 11:09 AM
nic
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 33
or even shorter and sweeter:
Linkylink
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