Houston Traffic Rules
HOUSTON TRAFFIC RULES
FOR PEOPLE VISITING DURING SUPER BOWL XXXVIII,
FEBRUARY 1, 2004
"....these are the 'rules'....let our visitors...be aware!!"
1. You must learn to pronounce the name of the city. It is
"Hue-stun," not "Ewe-ston," and definitely not "How-ston." The street named San
Felipe is pronounced "San fe-LEE-pay," not "San Fi-LEEP" or "San
2. Forget any traffic rules you learned anywhere else. Houston has
its own version of traffic rules. They are called "Hold On And Pray."
There is no such thing as a high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive
3. All directions start with "Go down to Loop 610," which has no
beginning and no end.
4. You have the East, Katy, Southwest, North, South, Northwest, and
Eastex freeways, which are actually I-10 East, I-10 West, 59 North, 59
South, I-45 North, I-45 South, and 290, but not in that order. Your job
is to figure out which one you really want to get on, without any signs
to tell you. God help you if you are in the wrong lane, or you will go
around Loop 610 again, which is an endless circle.
5. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic "a scenic
drive." It is if you love seeing wrecks and people risking their lives
changing tires, running through pot holes, slamming on your brakes to
avoid a collision, having people cut you off, seeing a lot of people's
middle fingers, and exhaust fumes.
6. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. The
noon-hour rush is 11:00 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. The evening rush hour is 2:00 p.m.
to 8:00 p.m., sometimes 9:00 p.m. (or 3 a.m. during floods, which we
call "ponding"). The teenagers take the streets from 9:00 p.m. through
5:00 a.m., and Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you WILL be rear ended, or
at least cussed out, and/or possibly shot. When you are the first off
the starting line, count to 5 before moving when the light turns green,
to avoid being "T-boned" by crossing traffic.
8. Construction on every freeway, loop, and tollway in the city is a
permanent form of entertainment as well as a source of delays.
9. Kuykendahl Road can be pronounced ONLY by a native Houstonian. (It
is pronounced "Kirk-n-doll.")
10. All unexplained smells are accompanied by the phrase "Oh, we must
be near Pasadena."
11. If someone actually has his turn signal on, it is probably a
factory defect and should be ignored.
12. All Suburbans have the right-of-way, unless you are driving an
18-wheeler or perhaps a Bradley tank.
13. The minimum acceptable speed limit on Loop 610 is 85 mph.
Otherwise, you will be stopped by Houston's Finest for impeding the flow of
14. The wrought-iron bars on windows in East Houston are NOT
15. Never look at the driver of a car with a bumper sticker that says,
"Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.
16. If you are in the left lane, and going only 70 mph in a 60 mph
zone, the people who are passing you are not really waving at you.
17. If it is 100 degrees outside, then January 1st must be next
18. The Sam Houston Toll Road is Houston's daily version of a NASCAR
19. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to the state
20. Don't get on Main Street unless you really WANT to be on Main
Street. Left turns and right turns are not allowed between the South Loop
and Dallas (that's Dallas, Texas, not Dallas Street).
21. Don't get sick or injured. There are no parking spaces in the
Texas Medical Center for anyone but doctors.
22. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off the freeways. Just
follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else.
This is how Houston residents notify the Texas Department of
Transportation where exits should have been built in the first place.
Y'ALL ENJOY YOUR STAY IN HOUSTON, AND COME BACK REAL SOON NOW, Y'HEAR?