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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 09-06-2003, 01:27 AM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 3,949
pilots and mechanics

Qantas Airlines

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a
gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems
encountered with the aircraft during the flight that
need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
correct the problem, and then respond in writing on
the lower half of the form what remedial action was
taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before
the next flight. Never let it be said that ground
crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems
as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution
recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas
is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
***********
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*************
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*************
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*************
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
***********
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
**************
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
**************
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
**************
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*************
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
**********
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*************
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
*****************
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*******************
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*****************
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
***************
Appended log entries:

Defect: The autopilot doesn't.
Action: IT DOES NOW.

Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Action: Fresh seat cushion on order.

Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Defect: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Action: Wound clock.

Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500
pounds.
Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Action: Ground checks OK.

Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

Defect: Weather radar went ape!
Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 09-06-2003, 01:32 AM
not exclude
 
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 9,838
Saw those a while back an racingfreaks.

Still funny though
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 09-06-2003, 01:37 AM
Lifer
 
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Location: SW Denton
Posts: 4,984
That shit is so funny and most of it is so true...

LPC: 56152
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 09-06-2003, 01:44 AM
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 734
Quote:
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
That is some funny crap.....they were all great but I really liked this one best.
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