Advanced Lifters (humor content)
this really should go in the joke forum but I figure no one outside of here would enjoy it.
How to know you are an advanced lifter, Part 1
By Jim Wendler
The first sign that you are Sgt. Newbie is that you care how much each bar weighs. Listen people, every bar is 45lbs. Squat bar, deadlift bar, power bar, SS Bar, Camberered Squat Bar, Cambered Bench Bar, EZ Curl Bar, Supra Curl Bar...everything.
Why? Advanced lifters don't worry if a bar is 45lbs or 50lbs or even 67 lbs. See 2 plates per side is ALWAYS 225.
How to know if you are an Advanced Lifter, Part 2
Read the following scenarios. Give the best answer possible.
You are using the Grappler. You have a 25lbs plate on one end of a 45lbs bar. Someone asks you how much weight you used on the Grappler. You respond:
D) Who the f*ck uses a Grappler?
You are performing a Chest Supported Row. You have 3 45lbs plates on the machine and start your tugging. When you go to record your efforts in your training log, you write down the following weight:
B) 135lbs + 2/3 of the weight of the rowing arm
D) Who the f*ck has a training log?
If you answered "A", then you are an intermediate lifter.
If you answered "B", then you are probably really into tribal tattoos and certainly qualify for a Newbie discount at all participating Subway locations (10% off any 12" cold sub combo (while supplies last)).
If you answered "C" then you are an advanced lifter.
If you answered "D" then you are either Jim or Dave.
How to know if you are an advanced lifter, Part 3
Read the following and give the best possible answer.
You are given an anonymous questionnaire at your work place. One of the questions asks, "Do you presently use drugs? You respond:
A) No and make sure the guy next to you knows that. Then be quick to point out that you don't even dabble in creatine. You take out your "Lifetime Drugfree Card" and pass it around the room.
B) No, but you are soooo close to getting your hands on some test and d-bol. You are a little nervous but think that the cycle will be well worth it. You make a mental note to yourself to re-read the latest Anabolics book and do some more research. You want so bad to check the "yes" box.
C) No. And you will be damned if you are going to let some weed or coke screw up your test, anadrol, fina and halotestin cycle that you've been running since 1999. Damn hippies are ruining this country with their excessive drug use.
How to know if you are an Advanced Lifter, Part 4
Choose the best answer possible.
A 2.5lbs plate is used for:
A) Breaking personal records on max effort day and by making sure the bar weight on dynamic day is, to the pound, accurate.
B) To be used only when attempting your first 500lbs bench press.
C) To roll the plates over when adding/removing weights during a deadlift session.
Your wardrobe when training consists of:
A) A carefully selected workout shirt and shorts, sometimes Under Armour or bearing a lifting logo such as "Powerlifters go deeper."
B) A Westside Barbell T-shirt.
C) Whatever you wore to work.
Your post workout meal consists of:
B) A protein drink mixed with Gatorade (when you realize that this is all Surge really is).
C) Nachos and a Coke
How to know if you are an Advanced Lifter, Part 5
[Choose the best answer possible]
A new supplement comes out on the market promising strength, endurance and low bodyfat. Your immediate reaction is:
A) Immediately buy the supplement and start proclaiming how great it is.
B) Wait a couple of months and see what the verdict is.
C) Ask the simple question, "Does it work better than test?"
A supposedly credible strength and conditioning guru writes an article about the benefits of some rare and hard-to-find herb. In the article, he claims that this herb can cure just about anything, including stupidity. Your reaction is:
A) Freak out and get your hands on Latvarian Simblex Cranky Root.
B) Know that the article may or may not have merit, but you are certainly questioning the validity of this claim.
C) Nothing. You don't read that crap
How to know if you are an Advanced Lifter, Part 6
Choose the best answer possible
Concerning squat depth. You take the necessary steps -
A) You go "Ass to Grass" and make sure you call out anyone that doesn't. Your email address also refects this as "Azz2Grass200" signifying your committment to boucning at the bottom and your massive total. (4 lift total; squat, bench, rack deadlift (just above the knees) and power curl)
B) You use a camera and your training partners to help you achieve a parallel position. You strive to make contest depth everytime and are very conscientous of it.
C) You do nothing. You know you are 2-3 inches high and hope the judges view will be impaired by the spotters.
How to know if you are an Advanced Lifter, Part 7
Choose the best possible answer.
In regards to training music, you take the necessary steps:
A) You wear your i-Pod, Nano-Pod, Mini-Pod, Nini-Pod or Nimrod-Pod on your arm (elastic band to accomodate your pipes) and crank Disturbed and that "Old School" Metallica (The Black Album). You make sure everyone in a 20 mile radius knows how hardcore your music is and how crappy your gym's music is. You are seen 4 hours later dancing in a club to a Justin Timberlake song. (Just so you know, the act of dancing to a song is seen as an "I approve" stamp on that particular song.)
B) You either train at home or just barely tolerate the commerical gym music. It could be better but you just want to train.
C) You've long given up on extrinsic motivation and only bust out the nasty shit for a kick in the ass.
D) You are married with kids and all you want is some goddamn peace and quiet.