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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-21-2004, 10:13 PM Thread Starter
JKD
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Thought you guys would like this...

I think that only this forum would appreciate this story. I thought it was funny.


A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

If you read this without laughing out load,
there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my fithtieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She
took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring,
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I
finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is
by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me
on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh!t too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that b!tch Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**[email protected]*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in
the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine
in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the b!tch), will
choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Shrimp'n ain't easy....
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-21-2004, 10:18 PM
Lifer
 
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now that's pretty funny.

Some people are like Slinkies- Not really good for anything, But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-22-2004, 03:36 PM
 
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That's hilarious!! I hear stuff like that all the time at my work/gym. LMAO
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-25-2004, 01:00 PM
Lifer
 
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LMGDAO!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by redheadintx
Agreed! My husband is tall, average, and SEXY!
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-26-2004, 12:05 PM
Lifer
 
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lol thats fucking great
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-26-2004, 12:06 PM
Ted
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lmao
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-26-2004, 03:22 PM
 
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Now that was funny I bet alot of people feel the same way.
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