four5.0snomore
03-15-2004, 03:31 PM
Well guys...I wanted to give you an update on where I am...
Ever since Sunday the 7th of this month, I was convicted by some of the things I said in my sermon. So, monday I picked up "Why Revival Tarries" Ravenhill and finished it Tuesday, then picked up "Pursuit of God" Tozer and finished it wednesday, and then picked up "Weapon of prayer" Bounds and finished it Saturday night. I spoke at length with my spiritual mentor about my dilema and had prauer with him. I meditated for hours that week, and tried to pray. My dilema was this - I am a sorry excuse for a pastor. The things I thought I was doing right, I saw were wrong. I saw how wretched of a man I was - to the core - that there is nothing good in me. I was convicted on a grand scale for a multitude of sins in my life, things I had not even thought of or realized. I would try to pray, and had the hardest time doing so, the short time in prayer I would spend would be repenting, groaning, and sitting quiet hoping to hear from God. I could not prepare a sermon, I felt like little progress was being made, towards the end of the week a burden (a felt weight) in my chest was growing. I did not know what to do (for once)...I called my spiritual mentor at 10:00pm Saturday night, and his advice was to pray and tell God that I give up control...I did that and then went to bed. Sunday morning I got up a bit earlier than normal and prayed a bit, not feeling much outside of that burden within...I meditated some still not having a clue of what I was to preach or what might happen. Fear attempted to rise up within and I began to pray asking the Lord to replace it with perfect love and it went away. I went to church and could not make myself talk to anyone hardly. I might have said 20 words in the hour leading up to preaching time.
I sat on the front row and began praying, still unsure abot much of anything. I felt an urge to share with the church what was going on, I felt led to read psalm 51:17, and preach fromt the text Revelation 3:14-22. A friend came and sat beside me and began to pray for me and I felt a bit strengthened. I continued praying throughout the entire song service, relying on God as much as I could. When the song service was over, I began to pray. I prayed something along the lines of (I had never done anything like this) Father, forgive me and this church for failing you. As the church goes, so goes the world and we have let you down and we have let the world down. May we repent to day and hear from God...I began weeping (unusual for me - very unusual) and could not pray anymore...it doesn't sound good to weep into your microphone, but I was able to ignore that. I said AMEN and stood to walk to the pulpit. I shared with the church in all honesty the events of the week and my burden and my realization the I was a prayerless, powerless, sinful preacher...People with their heads hung were weeping throughout the entire service...I read the text of Rev 3:14-22 and commented verse by verse very quietly as I was crying throughout most of the message as well...the power of God moved and I knew it, I finally did not have to guess or ask around....I knew the Lord showed up. After the message, it was similar to after seeing the passion movie, no one really moved, that sat praying, weeping, heads bowed, and quiet. Then a few began to move and came forward to pray at the altar...
We had a dinner (once a month) after the service and it seemed like the best fellowship ever. One lady didn't stay though because she said she didn't feel like eating and wanted to go home and pray...I was amazed and in speaking with the people it seemed like it was profitable.
I now feel like I cannot quite, that I need to keep pressing forward in this matter of prayer, concern, repentance, burden, intimacy with God, the power of Christ in me, and so on. I ask you to pray for me and our church and please offer any similar experiences, times of personal growth, and any advice would be great to! Thanks for listening...
Ever since Sunday the 7th of this month, I was convicted by some of the things I said in my sermon. So, monday I picked up "Why Revival Tarries" Ravenhill and finished it Tuesday, then picked up "Pursuit of God" Tozer and finished it wednesday, and then picked up "Weapon of prayer" Bounds and finished it Saturday night. I spoke at length with my spiritual mentor about my dilema and had prauer with him. I meditated for hours that week, and tried to pray. My dilema was this - I am a sorry excuse for a pastor. The things I thought I was doing right, I saw were wrong. I saw how wretched of a man I was - to the core - that there is nothing good in me. I was convicted on a grand scale for a multitude of sins in my life, things I had not even thought of or realized. I would try to pray, and had the hardest time doing so, the short time in prayer I would spend would be repenting, groaning, and sitting quiet hoping to hear from God. I could not prepare a sermon, I felt like little progress was being made, towards the end of the week a burden (a felt weight) in my chest was growing. I did not know what to do (for once)...I called my spiritual mentor at 10:00pm Saturday night, and his advice was to pray and tell God that I give up control...I did that and then went to bed. Sunday morning I got up a bit earlier than normal and prayed a bit, not feeling much outside of that burden within...I meditated some still not having a clue of what I was to preach or what might happen. Fear attempted to rise up within and I began to pray asking the Lord to replace it with perfect love and it went away. I went to church and could not make myself talk to anyone hardly. I might have said 20 words in the hour leading up to preaching time.
I sat on the front row and began praying, still unsure abot much of anything. I felt an urge to share with the church what was going on, I felt led to read psalm 51:17, and preach fromt the text Revelation 3:14-22. A friend came and sat beside me and began to pray for me and I felt a bit strengthened. I continued praying throughout the entire song service, relying on God as much as I could. When the song service was over, I began to pray. I prayed something along the lines of (I had never done anything like this) Father, forgive me and this church for failing you. As the church goes, so goes the world and we have let you down and we have let the world down. May we repent to day and hear from God...I began weeping (unusual for me - very unusual) and could not pray anymore...it doesn't sound good to weep into your microphone, but I was able to ignore that. I said AMEN and stood to walk to the pulpit. I shared with the church in all honesty the events of the week and my burden and my realization the I was a prayerless, powerless, sinful preacher...People with their heads hung were weeping throughout the entire service...I read the text of Rev 3:14-22 and commented verse by verse very quietly as I was crying throughout most of the message as well...the power of God moved and I knew it, I finally did not have to guess or ask around....I knew the Lord showed up. After the message, it was similar to after seeing the passion movie, no one really moved, that sat praying, weeping, heads bowed, and quiet. Then a few began to move and came forward to pray at the altar...
We had a dinner (once a month) after the service and it seemed like the best fellowship ever. One lady didn't stay though because she said she didn't feel like eating and wanted to go home and pray...I was amazed and in speaking with the people it seemed like it was profitable.
I now feel like I cannot quite, that I need to keep pressing forward in this matter of prayer, concern, repentance, burden, intimacy with God, the power of Christ in me, and so on. I ask you to pray for me and our church and please offer any similar experiences, times of personal growth, and any advice would be great to! Thanks for listening...